From my Own Worst Enemy to becoming my Own Best Friend

From my Own Worst Enemy to becoming my Own Best Friend

(My Process with Perfection)

I will continue in the next post with how I managed to change / transform my own worst enemy creation in my process of change from perfection, into me becoming my own best friend: assisting and supporting myself in my DECISION to CHANGE and actually DOING it!

With realising that I, at the same time as wanting to change my relationship with perfection, was preventing myself from changing: I could see this vicious cycle continuing in real time moments during / after making a mistake. My tendency towards perfectionism creeping up and creeping back through subtle reactional movements within me accompanied by the sneaky and manipulative dialogue that was coming up in the back of my mind. Herein, I identified even more dimensions with regards to the extent to which perfectionism existed within me. This is something you will discover in this process of walking through yourself, your mind: you walk through so many layers and dimensions within yourself as you realise how deep the ‘consciousness rabbit hole’ goes when it comes to your own programming of personalities, thought-, reaction- and behavioural-patterns.

With taking a step back, I realised what opened up for me was simply another point I can understand and walk through when it comes to my relationship with perfectionism and especially what I do to myself with my own thoughts and emotions if I do not reach / attain an expected / anticipatory level of perfection I demanded of myself.

Therefore, what I would like everyone to take with you is to remember that: in the process of self-change – when you’re IN THE MOMENT of CHANGE, where the moment of opportunity to change is RIGHT HERE with and within you – sometimes MORE dimensions / points to an initial problem will open up, creating the experience of ‘preventing you from changing’. But, it’s not so much a ‘prevention of change’ that is happening, as much as it is simply more dimensions / points opening up for you to face, look at, understand and walk through.

Like with me, I expected that the MOMENT of CHANGE will happen as smoothly, naturally and immediately as I envisioned it within myself the moment I understood the problem my relationship with perfection created when it came to making mistakes. When faced with the reality of change…the exact opposite happened lol. It was more that, as I started opening up this problem, MORE of the PROBLEM opened up within and during my process of self change in real time.

The two main dimensions, as I mentioned from the previous post into this one, that contributed to creating me as my own worst enemy was: 1. Noticing the ‘little voices’ in the back of my head in the moments of opportunity for change and 2. Recycling within the exact same pattern I am trying to change in moments of opportunity – just in a different / new way. Therefore, to assist and support yourself within and during the process and experience of change in real moments, when you’re so directly confronted with an old pattern – to look at out for anything and everything else that comes up within you that is keeping you from ACTUALLY CHANGING. That is keeping you from sticking to your DECISION to CHANGE – to move through them, understand it, let it go an FOCUS YOURSELF on you, the moment and the CHANGE. So that nothing else matters in that moment but the outcome of your DECISIVE CHANGE.

I will in the next post continue with some practical examples of how I from and through this experience of redefining and living my change within and as the word perfection: moved from my own worst enemy to becoming my own best friend, assisting and supporting myself in and as the DECISION for CHANGE instead of victimizing myself within my own self created problems. 

Perfectionism: How I created my Own Worst Enemy

Perfectionism: How I created my Own Worst Enemy  

(My process with Perfection)

During my process of redefining and living the word Perfection, I discovered this sneaky little manipulative voice coming at me in moments of opportunity for change. This, a practical example of how we are, in fact, our own worst enemies. The problem though, is that we don’t always see and understand HOW EXACTLY we CREATE ourselves into our own worst enemy!

Interestingly enough, we oftentimes approach our ‘enemies’ with blame and tons of emotional attacking in our ourselves, our minds. I found I was doing this with my own mind. When it came to me genuinely WANTING to change my relationship with perfection, it felt as though - at the same time as I was wanting to change - a part of me was doing everything and anything possible to NOT change. A part of me was blaming and reacting to my own programming of perfection, another part of me was ‘attacking’ myself while trying to, in moments, change my relationship with perfection…so, this change process was quite an internal rollercoaster ride! Let me explain HOW EXACTLY I CREATED myself into my own worst enemy within and during my process of changing my relationship and living as the word PERFECTION:

The first dimension I noticed was me blaming and reacting to my own programming of perfection. Here, whenever I NOTICED and RECOGNISED I was going into a pattern of perfection: I would judge myself, become emotional – essentially accept and allow myself to go into a cycle of victimization. This, an example of how we become enemies OF OURSELVES and why, along with walking the redefining and living of the perfection, it was SO IMPORTANT to me to equally walk the change FROM SELF JUDGMENT to ACCEPTANCE.

Most who have walked their process of understanding how we create our own problems within our own minds within ourselves lol – have noticed that: the MOMENT you KNOW EXACTLY HOW you created a certain thinking and reacting pattern / personality: there’s this inherent tendency to judge yourself / react to yourself when you see you accepted and allowed yourself to go into it again. Which is REALLY BIZARRE when you look at it, because: you’d ‘naturally think / believe’ that – because you’re in the PROCESS OF CHANGE and genuinely wanting to change, that all the doors will open up from there and everything and everyone will support you in and during this process of change…even your own Mind! But, does that happen?!?!?!?...NOPE! If anything…when you START the process of CHANGE, that’s the moment the challenge starts on so many levels within yourself. Because, even though a PART of you WANTS to change – the MAJORITY of you AS THE PATTERN you have existed as, such as perfection for example, that you have conditioned into every part of your mind, being and body…will ‘fight for its right to exist’. YEARS of conditioning RISING UP and ‘fighting change’. This in itself also opened up an interesting process of WHY we make CHANGE and SELF CHANGE so DIFFICULT for ourselves?!?!?!? This I will answer in posts to come! But, for now – let’s continue with the process I have walked in this first dimension of why and how it is that I was fighting and reacting to / blaming my own programming – creating me into my own worst enemy instead of my own ‘best friend’ to assist and support me in this DECISION to CHANGE my relationship and living within and as the word perfection:

When I made my first mistake after redefining my relationship with the word PERFECTION – I realised I was ADDING another dimension / process to my experience. When I made my first mistake, I could see how my tendency for perfectionism creeped back in, with this little voice in the background of my mind saying: “why didn’t you do it better?” / “how could you have done it so wrong?” / “I mean, really?!?!?!? Why are you even trying!!!” / “you’re just not good enough, stop, let it go, give it to someone else to try”. Once the very familiar thoughts of judgment arrived after not attaining my absolute perfection in a moment, I started judging myself for going into that very pattern again lol. Then, the inner voice changed to: “why did you try being perfect again?” / “you know you can’t be perfect” / “I thought I was changing” / “I can’t be perfect, just accept it!” – but all these backchats were done in the emotional experience of victimizing myself in noticing the pattern, instead of SUPPORTING myself…

I will continue in the next post with how I managed to change / transform my own worst enemy creation in my process of change from perfection, into me becoming my own best friend: assisting and supporting myself in my DECISION to CHANGE and actually DOING it!

The PERFECT Judge

The PERFECT Judge

(My process with Perfection)

Connecting all the points I opened up and discussed in the previous two blogs about Perfection:

On the surface, I was see-sawing between the desire and fear of perfection (desire to be perfect, yet fear of not being perfect); while being stuck in the middle as the inner-chaos that ensued because of it. With the outflow consequence of self bullying, self criticism, judgments, not being good enough - together with the emotions of fear, anxiety, stress, worry etc.

Upon introspection and investigating the deeper dimensions: I came to see, realise and understand that what was within and behind this ‘vague perfectionist image’ within my own mind was Judgment. The very nature / essence of my perfectionism was based in judgment. 

From here, let’s have a look at the dynamic between self judgment, self acceptance and perfectionism when it comes to your personal relationship and experience with yourself:

With bringing all the dimensions, points and layers together – I found, in my experience within myself that the perfectionism ‘replaced’ my self acceptance. So, with not understanding that self-judgment exists because self acceptance does not exist, I in my mind programming / design created this ‘vague perfectionist image’ of myself to try and balance the extent of my own self judgment within myself, my mind. Essentially simulating an ‘image of myself in mind representing the illusion of acceptance’ / ‘my ideal acceptance’ according to what I believed / perceived I should be or would be if I were in my ideal / best state of acceptance.

To place it / describe it in other words: it’s like I managed to collect / gather all the judgments of myself in one ball and then into another ball I projected the ‘opposite of all of my judgments’ (which became my vague self perfection image).

Here is the system / design of polarity I was stuck in, because I didn’t then understand or know that the KEY to release myself from self judgment was to WALK THROUGH self judgment and create myself into and as SELF ACCEPTANCE. But, because I also did not know or understand that I have the ability / capability to CHANGE who I am within and as self judgment: I managed to create a polarized BALANCING SYSTEM between judgment and perfectionism within myself to try and manage / deal with the extent of my judgment within myself.

This finally made me realise that the ‘problem’ was never within and as the word ‘perfect’: it was an illusion. The real problem was who I am within and as my relationship with the word JUDGMENT. With the fact that I did not have any definition or understanding of SELF ACCEPTANCE and that self acceptance cannot exist as long as judgment exists. Together with this, I never actually really looked at defining perfection: my ‘vague perfectionist image’ was made up of polarity opposites of all my self judgments!!!

As mentioned in the previous post, I from here starting writing out – daily, the most common self judgments I accepted and allowed to entertain and participate in within my Mind. From here, I started redefining the self judgments into self acceptance. Together with this, I started a process of redefining self perfection more into something real, something tangible that assisted and supported me in my process through making mistakes and learning from them. This I will continue with in posts to come. 

How Self Judgment supported my Journey to Self Acceptance

How Self Judgment supported my Journey to Self Acceptance

(My process with Perfection)

A dimension of perfection I’d like to open up in this post has to do with how I realised there was this ‘vague image’ of myself in my mind. This image representing perfectionism – always doing, saying the right, best things for myself and others. So, ANY moment I did not live up to my own perfectionism – down comes the wrath of judgment, criticism, mental and emotional self bullying. Spiralling me into a state of inferiority, being self conscious, introverted, always second guessing and questioning myself. Remaining in this constant state, while at the same time still doing my best to attain this perfection I was striving for within myself.

I do emphasize that this image within my Mind was vague. Vague, in the sense that – I could never quite clearly ‘define’ what it means to be ‘perfect’ in my own eyes, just that however and whoever I was, was never good enough. It’s like I had created this ‘god’ in my mind – the ‘almighty perfectionist’ and everything of who I was, how I lived in thought, word and deed could not live up to this ‘almighty perfectionist’ in my mind.

So, here I was in this constant, continuous inner-conflict within myself: creating a simulated, vague projection of perfectionism – while at the same time NEVER feeling like ANYTHING I was doing within all that I am in thought, word and deed was living up to those standards. As I mentioned, I always in some way found a way to find something wrong, bad, not good enough within myself.

When I eventually managed to drop the veil of perfectionism – I found that what was lying beyond it was pure SELF JUDGMENT. I found a part of myself hiding behind perfectionism. A part of me sitting on a chair in my own Mind ‘looking down at myself’ – magnifying all the problems, issues and experiences I went through within myself, my mind and general life experience. It’s as though saying to myself “I want things to be perfect” sounds better than “I am seriously judgmental of myself, I am not good enough, everything is always wrong and bad, I will never attain to becoming more than who, how and what I am now”. So, I was HIDING a part of MYSELF within and behind this apparent strive to be ‘perfect’: THE JUDGE.

Interestingly enough, buying into this simulation of perfection inside my mind – proclaiming the façade of “I want to be perfect”: I was EVERYTHING but that. In my VISIBLE LIVING I was the complete opposite of perfection (according to my definition of self perfection back then): introverted, suppressive, shy, self conscious, trying to fit in, inferiority complexes by the many. Yet, I was so obsessed and possessed by this interplay between myself and perfectionism: I deluded myself into believing that “I am on my way to becoming perfect! I will become perfect one day!” Yet, existing in pure inner conflict day in and day out – ‘cause no matter how hard I tried, I never reached perfection, always the opposite. In a way, almost becoming addicted to this relationship with myself that I had programmed / created for YEARS: always striving to attain the unreachable, the vague, the undefined perfectionist within myself by constantly and continuously bullying myself with thoughts, emotions, criticism and judgment. Creating in this vicious cycle a form of self-punishment for not living up to my own and other’s standards or expectations.

This journey within and as the word Perfection – starting with my own initial definition and experience of self perfection: assisted and supported me in my process of learning what it means to drop SELF JUDGMENT, live the word(s) SELF ACCEPTANCE. Once this process started: I started the process of REDEFINING perfection, self perfection within myself which also tied into my process of making mistakes, learning from them in a way where I stand as an example for myself and others. I will continue with this in posts to come.

Dependable: From a Perfect Beginner to a Perfect Faller…

Dependable: From a Perfect Beginner to a Perfect Faller…

I will continue more with this in the next post to come – also expanding on the consequential role that perfection played within it all, even though I have redefined and lived the word dependable. This is also something that you will find in the process of redefining and living words: you may sometimes find yourself in other situations, environments and people that throws the living of your words ‘off course for a moment and other old patterns can creep back in’. Meaning, I may in ONE environment with SPECIFIC people walked the process of redefining and living the word dependable, but when I was faced with something different – it challenged my redefinition / living of the words in a way where I needed to EXPAND on it. So, redefining and living words is a constant, continuous process of self expansion through LIVING!

In my working environment in my early twenties, I learned BALANCE through considering me, my relationship with others, my time and my responsibilities / obligations – accordingly prioritising myself, everything and everyone in a functional, practical way; leading to becoming the living words dependable, hardworking, reliable as well as doing the best for me and everyone else. This including my general life process when it came to making mistakes, being able to learn from them and change myself through them – sharing this process and being a supportive living example for others.

However…lol, what happened within my mind was imbuing my process of learning from mistakes and changing myself from and through them as well as being dependable within the working environment and people in it, with none other than PERFECTION. In other words, as I walked through one layer of perfection when it came to ‘never wanting to make mistakes in the first place’ - it morphed / opened up into ALWAYS learning from my mistakes IMMEDIATELY, as fast as possible as best as possible and if I didn’t…but still made similar / same mistakes or the change process taking longer than I wanted it to or expected from myself: back creeped in the nature of ‘perfection’, just in another, different way. Or if, in the working environment, I didn’t BALANCE myself, my relationship with others, time and obligations / responsibilities properly – in came the ‘perfection’ dimension in relation to not balancing ‘perfectly’ / ‘good enough’ through my own eyes.

So, it’s been interesting to observe the CHALLENGES I have faced within myself in this process that opened up through the word DEPENDABLE and how my process, relationship and living with the word perfection seriously made my experience and change within the word dependable so the more difficult.

This then lead me to start walking my process within and through the word PERFECTION and investigating how this DOMINANT word within and as me has been influencing my process in many different ways. Especially also in another dimension where I recognised this word was coming through which was when it came to creating the IDEA that ‘I am officially self dependable in my trust to walk through and learn from ALL mistakes’…until ‘life happens’ and brings you circumstances, situations and moments with yourself and other people that truly brings such IDEAS in the MIND back to REALITY. Throughout my experiences, I eventually realised I made my definition of dependable DEPENDENT again on ‘making it through mistakes and being a supportive example from me for others’, essentially here LIMITING my definition of dependable, because I did not allow myself to be FLEXIBLE within who I am as dependable when it comes to my own self honesty and self trust.

So, when my life changed from my working environment and so the nature of my exposure to life and I started making ‘new types of mistakes’ within myself and my life, mistakes I was never exposed to before: I FELL. I went back into isolation, suppression, judgment, being hard on myself – I PERFECTLY FELL lol and this time into the OPPOSITE POLARITY where I didn’t balance myself, my relationships my time and obligations / responsibilities at all but kept my participation in myself and life to the bare minimum. I eventually managed to stand up from this process – but challenging it was indeed.

So, to take with you for today in your process of walking defining, redefining and living words is: Never to make an ABSOLUTE definition / process of a word, such as the mistake I made where I made my definition of DEPENDABLE absolute when it came to mistakes and who I am within and as mistakes. Eventually I learned the following and expanded my self definition of dependable in a way where: I know that, whatever the mistake, no matter how tough, I will possibly even make mistakes WITHIN a mistake lol – but one thing I have proven to myself, dropping all the judgments, being hard on myself etc. is that: I well get through it, stand up from it.

So, my dependable-trust relationship then transformed into and as the HEART of me which is: I AM HERE, I trust me that with my self honesty as I walk through and process myself within and as a mistake that I will get through it, learn from, stand up and change – no matter how long it takes, I AM HERE and I am walking. This is the final statement I have proven to myself since then - and the definition that has supported me throughout all this time up until now, I could expand this also into any and every challenges I face within myself, my life.

In the next post I will share more tangible, practical examples expanding on making a definition of a word too ABSOLUTE and not allowing yourself to be FLEXIBLE within redefining and living words. Also, what can happen when you try and be TOO PERFECT within living a redefined word and how you can create positive and negative polarities within yourself, relationships and life in general – which can contribute to the experience of ‘falling, standing up, falling’ – instead of more looking at such a process as a process of learning, reflecting and changing.

Dependable: As Within = So Without

Dependable: As Within = So Without

I realised through revisiting my definition and living of the word ‘dependable’, once I walked through the process of not judging / being hard and tough on myself when making mistakes, instead learning from mistakes and practising what I learned into living action to in fact change from within what I have learned: I started sharing, showing more of myself, my process, my mistakes, my ups and downs in a way that assisted and supported so many others. Eventually – over time, solidifying the living of the word dependable as “being a supportive example” rather than ‘absolutely perfect’. But, it was quite the journey to first and foremost live dependable for me, me showing my dependability to myself in being able to stop judging / being so hard on myself and to take that step into actually learning from mistakes and correcting / changing from what I learned.

One of the important things I realised in my process of understanding what it really means to redefine and live words in a way where it becomes a natural part of the way you look at things inside yourself, speak and act / behave is: noticing the stark difference between when a word is a PART of every fibre of your being / presence and natural living as opposed to when you are ‘trying to be a word for everyone else’.

As with the example I have walked: Over some time, focusing developing the redefining and living of the word dependable - so much more opened up in many other areas in my life when it came to how, when, where, why and towards whom this word was still not being lived. This is also something you will find with the process of redefining and living words: yes, you may initially start with ONE redefinition and living context, as with me, where it started within the context of becoming a supportive living example for others. But, from there – my redefinition and living of this word expanded so much more into others areas and relationships in my life, some of the redefinition and living of this word still challenging me to this day. It’s been extraordinary to observe how much I have learned, and still do learn, about myself from ONE WORD. Over time, you become so much more skilled and equipped with self awareness and processing information that you can redefine and live words exceptionally fast. Initially though, it’s a slow but sure process – because it’s something you’ve never done before or been exposed to before.

As with my previous post, I truly became a ‘perfect beginner’ through my process of redefining and living the word ‘dependable’, assisting and supporting myself to actually first and foremost prove dependability to myself and how it completely transformed my relationship to me, my process and so others as well. Where, the more I became dependable in my self trust - stopping judging / being hard on myself for my mistakes, walking a process of writing, forgiveness and corrective living; then ONCE I CHANGED a mistake and first and foremost proven it to myself: sharing it with others – in this, my whole world of communication with other people changed, I stopped isolating myself, I stopped suppressing. Here bringing through the heading of this blog “Dependable: As within = So without”. As I changed ME LIVING this word DEPENDABLE WITHIN MYSELF = it started manifesting in the WITHOUT of myself, seen through my relationship to the process I walked with transforming mistakes and my process / relationship with so many other people. If I did not walk the process of redefining dependable for me within myself and actually LIVED this redefinition = the WITHOUT of myself in my process through life’s mistakes and so my relationship with other people would not have changed. This is an example of one of the self empowering dimensions when it comes to understanding this statement.

Another example, much of it still challenging me in different ways to this day – in which the word ‘perfection’ also played and still does plays a role is the following: (going back in time – my early twenties – when this process of the word dependable / perfection opened up) I initially rushed and raced after everything and everyone else at the same time, this though also part of a ‘wanting to please and make everyone happy’ character I was walking at the time. My experience within the word ‘dependable’ also played a major role within this process, because I wanted to please, be seen as dependable, hardworking, valued etc. Yes, nothing wrong with having such aspirations – BUT – the problem does come in when none of those words are a natural part of you, yourself in your personal relationship with you. Eventually, I was under so much stress, time-consumed with trying to do everything and anything at once, while hoarding more responsibilities than I could handle to keep everyone else happy – I burnt out, ‘cause I had NO balance in equally considering me as much as obligations / responsibilities and rather incorporating more effective time management / prioritizing. On top of that…I couldn’t make everyone happy, no matter how hard I tried, leading to the ratio eventually escalating to the point where more people were disappointed / fed up with me than happy.

So, during this time, with the words “dependable, hardworking, valued, aspiring to have the best relationships with other people” not having been redefined nor lived for me first and foremost in my relationship with me – I was TRYING to gain access to, become or experience those words THROUGH OTHERS in any and every way I could. Here as well you will clearly see the difference between a word being a part of you and ‘trying to be a word for everyone else or GET it from somewhere / someone else’.

So, my journey started where I redefined the words dependable, hardworking, valued, best relationships with everyone in a way THAT INCLUDED ME and a BALANCE in considering me, my obligations and my relationships with others. Through this, I eventually still did everything I did before, but with much more stability, time consideration, scheduling, prioritising and in this process – actually from my within, created the REAL definition and living of the above words in my working environment.

I will continue more with this in the next post to come – also expanding on the consequential role that perfection played within it all, even though I have redefined and lived the word dependable. This is also something that you will find in the process of redefining and living words: you may sometimes find yourself in other situations, environments and people that throws the living of your words ‘off course for a moment and other old patterns can creep back in’. Meaning, I may in ONE environment with SPECIFIC people walked the process of redefining and living the word dependable, but when I was faced with something different – it challenged my redefinition / living of the words in a way where I needed to EXPAND on it. So, redefining and living words is a constant, continuous process of self expansion through LIVING!

Becoming Dependable: The Beginning

Becoming Dependable: The Beginning

“What would it mean to enable myself, the living pen as the process of living the word dependable?” “What would it practically mean for me, my relationship with who I am in thought, word and deed to live the word ‘dependable’ and what role does purpose play within this all?”

In this post, I am continuing with the above questions as well as expanding on the following:

To those who love writing / drawing / painting: the best moment is when you have that blank page before you and you have the DECISION to EXPRESS the UTMOST of yourself from the moment you start writing / drawing / painting. This is exactly the same for the MOMENTS we have in everyday life when we have a DECISION before us the moment we recognise the fact that our thoughts and inner experiences are not reflecting our potential: to make the decision to CHANGE, to LIVE in thought word and deed the WORD you’re going to WRITE / LIVE in THAT MOMENT.

Here is my beginning with living the word ‘dependable’ in my first and foremost relationship: my relationship with ME – who I am in thought, word and deed. Together with incorporating the word purpose: how I placed my SELF (through what I have as my ability to look, speak, act and within that DECIDE) – to PURPOSE. I essentially merged the words ‘dependable’ and ‘purpose’ within myself in a way where, living the word ‘dependable’ supported the word ‘purpose’ as much as the word ‘purpose’ supported the word ‘dependable’.

This is what is so exciting and liberating when it comes to the process of redefining and living words: How you change and so CREATE yourself through redefining and living individual words, but also reach a phase where you start having a look at uniting / connecting words; such as the words dependable and purpose in a way that supports you in your relationship with yourself, your mind, your relationships and everyday life experiences!

An example: Redefining the word ‘dependable’ for me was to look into both words, ‘dependable’ and ‘purpose’. With having a look at these two words in the beginning of my process when I started Portalling and my responsibility when it came to Portalling: my definition of ‘purpose’ was my relationship to bringing through the beings, to Portal, to share as much knowledge and information that could be placed into living practise / application to show people the process through the Mind into their Utmost Potential as living Self Awareness. Dependability then within that was my personal process WITHIN myself – being the living / leading example, by being more aware of who I am in thought, word and deed – placing a GUARD infront of my MIND, my MOUTH and my LIVING ACTIONS. A GUARD as ME as the MOMENT I GIFT to myself through self forGIFTness to take a BREATH, take a STEP BACK and assess in MOMENTS “who I am” and whether what is moving / manifesting within me is what I want to speak / live or whether I am going to DIRECT and MOVE myself into and as a different expression.

So, here you can see how my ‘self dependability’ as depending on me to be a living / leading example of the purpose I walk and committed to within and as Portalling and the knowledge and information as process the beings are sharing through me – how these two words compliment and support one another in my life, my self and my responsibility towards me and Portalling.

However…I have through time, within the definitions and living of the words ‘purpose’ and ‘dependable’ found that there were some ‘misalignments’ in my initial self definition of the word ‘dependable’. I was satisfied with how I lived the word ‘purpose’ when it came to my responsibility and commitment (as well as MUCH ENJOYMENT!!!) to Portalling. However…I realised I still personally in this world and the hereafter walked my personal processes and experiences through my own mind, being and body relationship - in such a way where I didn’t always ‘feel’ or ‘see’ myself as ‘dependable’ in my personal process and so as an example for so many others. Until I realised: there was a part of me that defined the word ‘dependable’ in “being dependable FOR EVERYONE, FOR THE PORTAL, FOR PROCESS” and so, whenever I made a mistake, or went through a process – I would be VERY hard on myself…and unnecessarily so.

Here again, leading me to asking myself: With having the PURPOSE I do have. The responsibility I have within and as this purpose that is me, that is my life…how can I start redefining and living the word ‘dependable’ for ME first and foremost and from here SHARE and EXPRESS and be a living example of this word for so many others who can, in turn, empower themselves by redefining and living this word?

For so many others, when you have so much responsibility, such a massive purpose – does dependability mean “you have to be perfect all the time?” Does dependability mean “perfection” OR…does it mean “being a SUPPORTIVE EXAMPLE?” What is the difference between “perfection” and “being a supportive example?” To me, being a supportive example is: when and as you go through processes and experiences, make mistakes – that you LEARN and SHARE and SHOW as a supportive example for others to equally LEARN FROM YOU as YOU LEARNED FROM YOUR MISTAKES. ‘Cause I initially defined ‘dependability’ within ‘my purpose / responsibility’ as “I have to be ABSOLUTELY PERFECT!”. This was a mistake…

I will continue more in the next post

I’m Tired of Fighting

I’m Tired of Fighting

We fight with our own thoughts

We fight against the inner conflict we experience when emotions seem to get the upper hand inside ourselves and we’re fraught in moments with what seems to be a never-ending chaos

We fight with ourselves to act normal – be presentable, accepted, not judged

We fight when we judge ourselves

We fight just to get through another day

We fight with ourselves in the mornings to wake up

We fight with ourselves in the evening to try and rest

We fight with money

We fight with survival

We fight with others in our imaginations or through our actions / words

We even fight when we suppress – subtly manipulating ourselves or others out of spite

We feel like we have to fight sometimes to be heard or seen

We feel like we have to fight against the world / people / systems to help reach out to those who can’t help themselves – such as reaching out for funding, donations, food, water, education, healthcare and other basic needs

We fight with our own bodies

We fight with the nature / experience of our present lives – never happy / satisfied with who we are, why we are, where we are

We fight for a better self / mind / body

We fight against other’s beliefs, opinions, ideas, religions, spiritualities, views

We fight with our own memories

We fight with our imaginations / fantasies

We fight to survive

We fight to live

We fight to be loved / accepted / cherished, cared for, noticed

We fight when we do our best to stand up for others who can’t in moments for themselves, when most around you want to fight / attack

We fight when we believe the solution we see to things is the ONLY way and not willing to incorporate or include others’ insights and perspectives to expand on solutions even more

We fight to try and make a difference to so many problems in this world – when you have to come against the money system, politics, governments, laws, officials

We fight to try and make a difference in another’s person’s life who refuses to help themselves / change for the better of not only themselves but others as well

We fight with our own suppressions

We fight through addictions / habitual behaviour patterns we know are compromising ourselves and others on some level or another

We fight for change

We fight to change

We fight the very food we eat

We fight the water we drink

We fight healthcare systems

We fight money systems

We fight against political systems

We fight against education systems

We fight against governments

We fight those who have money

We fight those who don’t have money

We fight with ourselves when we make a mistake

We fight with others when they make mistakes…

…the list can go on when you start seeing and understanding this nature of fighting that exists within us and our lives.

For today’s post – I would like each one to realise and observe how much and how often this nature of ‘fighting’ comes through within yourself, towards yourself, towards others and life in general. It happens so much and so often…it’s shocking to realise for yourself the extent to which we still accept and allow this in everyday life.

I have given examples above regarding this nature of fighting. To specify more: this nature / experience of fighting can come through in subtle and intense ways inside yourself, towards others and life in general. It’s the experience in moments where your emotions intensify, your body becomes rigid / tense and your entire being / presence goes into a state of ‘attack or defence’. These moments actually happen more throughout your day than you realise – leading to a mental and physical exhaustion we are barely aware of, but can create many different outflow consequences.

So, for this post: have a look at the nature of fighting in the small / subtle moments of everyday life. To become aware of the extent this ‘fighting experience’ exists within you, because in the next post we’ll have a look at how this often leads to a moment within yourself where you say: “I’m tired of fighting” / “I don’t want to fight anymore” / “Is there another way”? I have reached this point within myself and my process many times when I accepted and allowed this ‘nature of fighting’ within me to take control / overwhelm my thoughts and emotional experiences – reaching a point of mental and physical exhaustion that this ‘fighting experience’ within me has created. But, it also opened my eyes to realising the various ways this ‘fighting’ has come to manifest on a collective and global scale within humanity and why my eyes were previously veiled from seeing the extent of the problem when it comes to this dimension of ‘fighting’ that exists within us all in one way or another.

I will in the next post share how I am and have been dealing with / directing this ‘fighting’ that I’ve become aware of within me – sharing the nature and design of it within the mind / consciousness and how to support yourself to release your being from such a state of living and experience. More importantly: why it is pivotal to change this nature within yourself to be able to support others to change as well – so that we stop creating and living in a world defined by ‘fighting to live’ and start creating and living in a world defined by reason and purpose and LIVE, for self and all of existence as well. 

If can’t Beat ‘em…Join ‘em: Changing your relationship to Sleepless nights

If can’t Beat ‘em…Join ‘em: Changing your relationship to Sleepless nights

In the next post I will continue with how these three dimensions of conflict contributes to sleepless, restless nights and the irony of wanting to use sleep as an escape mechanism…yet, you’ll find your worries, fears and problems follow you to sleep and tends to do the exact opposite by keeping you awake!

It almost feels like you’re being ‘lead on’ by your own mind and body the moments before getting into bed – because you experience enough tiredness / exhaustion to know you can just close your eyes and be off to a good night’s rest…but then, while you’re getting comfortable: here comes the thoughts and emotions rushing into your mind - perpetuating you into a state of awakeness. Suddenly everything becomes uncomfortable, you can’t find a position to sleep / rest in, being thrown between experiences of being awake and exhausted as your thoughts and emotions refuse to settle down.

We tend to miss the obvious: the ONE place where you can make a difference, where you can take control – is INSIDE yourself when it comes to your relationship with your OWN mind. This is the ONE place / space where only YOU exist. Yet, we tend to want to change everything else OUTSIDE ourselves, THINK about everything / everyone else OUTSIDE ourselves - taking the OUTER reality into the INNER reality wrap it up in emotional energy / reactions...and so we create a compound effect of problems / issues WITHIN ourselves.

The KEY here is to ‘unwrap’ the emotional charges / energy from the outer-reality problems / issues you’ve brought into your inner reality. Your inner reality should be a ‘sanctuary’ of sorts where you do not accept and allow emotional reactions to veil your inner eye / sight as your directive principle to be able to LOOK at / assess things within and as self honesty, stability and clarity to so be able to make informed decisions when it comes to finding / creating solutions to things coming up inside yourself / that you face in everyday life.

If we cannot handle or direct as finding solutions for the things going on in our INNER REALITY we’re connected to and DIRECTLY responsible for…the very INNER REALITY relationship we have with ourselves will be reflected in our outer reality and relationship to the people, situations and environments we’re exposed to in everyday life.

One thing to realise is that: your inner reality won’t sort itself out. It’s interesting how we tend to find any and every way possible to run away / suppress or just ignore the things we’re fighting with inside ourselves. With the consequences – staying in the very thoughts and reactions of problems / issues inside yourself, tossing and turning at nights, fuelling the stress / anxieties levels making concentration and living during the days to come so much more difficult…Yet we wouldn’t put in the time or effort to take a breather, take a moment, even a couple of minutes of the day to slow down and introspect / reflect on the troubles we’re accepting and allowing ourselves to haunt our minds and compromise the health and stability of our physical bodies…

In the next post I will continue expanding on how you can use the time and also physical and mental energy in the evenings when you cannot sleep due to problems / issues in your thoughts / mind keeping you awake: to rather than remaining in the thoughts and reactions, using mental and physical energy to do so – use the time and energy to do introspection / reflection and sort out / direct the experiences inside yourself.

This will over time assist and support you to develop the directive principle within yourself to not accept and allow your inner reality to be thwarted with conflict – but direct and sort out your inner reality in such a way where, when conflicts arise: you’re immediately present and aware to be able to sort it out and find solutions, so that you can support yourself to be in a state of stability and groundedness within and without; and so handle the issues / problems everyday life may present to you with much more stability and groundedness.

When I want to Sleep my problems away – yet my problems keep me Awake…

When I want to Sleep my problems away – yet my problems keep me Awake…

Then continue with point 2. – the second dimension I experienced contributing to sleepless and restless nights, which is when you have stressful / emotional thoughts and experiences within you creating the inner conflict of alertness and exhaustion; also how to assist and support yourself when facing such experiences within you.

Many use sleep as an escape mechanism…especially when it comes to having to wake up in the mornings and you really just don’t want to, because everything of you knows what is ahead when you open your eyes and walk into the day: having to deal with yourself, others and life. What I mean with having to deal with yourself: is the non-stop inner conflict you can be presented with within your thoughts and emotions, having to deal with your inner reality. This is most difficult at times when you don’t have the tools / guidance when it comes to directing your thoughts and emotions. I have personally found that: if my inner reality is in chaos / conflict – it makes it exceptionally difficult / challenging to deal with the unpredictable we walk into when it comes to everyday life, which creates a third dimension of conflict: the conflict between the inner and the outer.

1^st Dimension of conflict: Inner conflict

This is when you have things going on inside yourself in relation to yourself, others / life itself that keeps you occupied in your thoughts and emotions.

2^nd Dimension of conflict: Outer conflict

This happens as you walk your day and things happen / transpire in everyday life you didn’t expect which tends to ADD to the already existent inner conflict within you

3^rd Dimension of conflict:

This is when there’s a ‘clash’ of sorts between your inner reality and outer reality – where, as you’re dealing with things inside yourself, more things happen outside yourself with relationships / situations. So as you’re essentially walking pre-existent inner conflict within yourself, you’re also at the same time met with outer conflict with things happening in moments throughout your day. This is what makes it so the more challenging / difficult to direct your outer world, because your inner world is also not being directed. This leads to much stress and anxiety as you’re essentially living in chaos with accepting and allowing such a life within and without.

I realised that I can’t predict the outcome of each day. The only power I have is in MOMENTS throughout my day AS and WHEN things happen. However, I’ve realised that: as long as I have problems / issues inside myself I am not dealing with / directing it tends to disempower me in MOMENTS throughout my day, because then - instead of DIRECTING or solving conflicts / problems that I’m met with throughout my day, I tend to project / exert my own personal issues / problems / inner conflicts onto / towards things I walk into / experience in everyday life. Therefore, I cannot control the conflicts / problems I face in everyday life – but I can take response-ability (the ability to respond as becoming the directive principle) of my own mind, my own thoughts and emotions within me.

So, by taking my power in my relationship with my own mind – resolving the INNER conflicts I face / experience, I can so walk my everyday life experience in such a way where I can ensure that my own inner conflicts are not projected / exerted onto / towards the unexpected / unpredictable I may face in everyday life. Walking my everyday life experience with more stability and clarity within myself, empowering myself to in moments – rather than projecting/exerting emotions / reactions onto something / someone – assess the person/people and situations much better, to stand within the self empowered position of always finding  /creating solutions, rather than creating even more conflict / chaos.  

We don’t realise that this is what we do / accept / allow if we continue with inner conflict / chaos – we become / embody this chaos within and it start filtering through our words and actions, especially in moments where we should be standing to find solutions, we instead ADD to problems / conflict / chaos in everyday life. Therefore, with you assisting and supporting yourself to transform your relationship with inner conflict / chaos to sorting it out, dealing with things you’re going through and directing it – you embody such a nature / presence within and as yourself and it will equally start filtering into your outside world life experiences. Where, instead of adding to problems / conflicts, you will be able to stand in such a way so as to always direct it, find solutions, resolve matters.

In the next post I will continue with how these three dimensions of conflict contributes to sleepless, restless nights and the irony of wanting to use sleep as an escape mechanism…yet, you’ll find your worries, fears and problems follow you to sleep and tends to do the exact opposite by keeping you awake!