Perfectionism: How I created my Own Worst Enemy

Perfectionism: How I created my Own Worst Enemy  

(My process with Perfection)

During my process of redefining and living the word Perfection, I discovered this sneaky little manipulative voice coming at me in moments of opportunity for change. This, a practical example of how we are, in fact, our own worst enemies. The problem though, is that we don’t always see and understand HOW EXACTLY we CREATE ourselves into our own worst enemy!

Interestingly enough, we oftentimes approach our ‘enemies’ with blame and tons of emotional attacking in our ourselves, our minds. I found I was doing this with my own mind. When it came to me genuinely WANTING to change my relationship with perfection, it felt as though - at the same time as I was wanting to change - a part of me was doing everything and anything possible to NOT change. A part of me was blaming and reacting to my own programming of perfection, another part of me was ‘attacking’ myself while trying to, in moments, change my relationship with perfection…so, this change process was quite an internal rollercoaster ride! Let me explain HOW EXACTLY I CREATED myself into my own worst enemy within and during my process of changing my relationship and living as the word PERFECTION:

The first dimension I noticed was me blaming and reacting to my own programming of perfection. Here, whenever I NOTICED and RECOGNISED I was going into a pattern of perfection: I would judge myself, become emotional – essentially accept and allow myself to go into a cycle of victimization. This, an example of how we become enemies OF OURSELVES and why, along with walking the redefining and living of the perfection, it was SO IMPORTANT to me to equally walk the change FROM SELF JUDGMENT to ACCEPTANCE.

Most who have walked their process of understanding how we create our own problems within our own minds within ourselves lol – have noticed that: the MOMENT you KNOW EXACTLY HOW you created a certain thinking and reacting pattern / personality: there’s this inherent tendency to judge yourself / react to yourself when you see you accepted and allowed yourself to go into it again. Which is REALLY BIZARRE when you look at it, because: you’d ‘naturally think / believe’ that – because you’re in the PROCESS OF CHANGE and genuinely wanting to change, that all the doors will open up from there and everything and everyone will support you in and during this process of change…even your own Mind! But, does that happen?!?!?!?...NOPE! If anything…when you START the process of CHANGE, that’s the moment the challenge starts on so many levels within yourself. Because, even though a PART of you WANTS to change – the MAJORITY of you AS THE PATTERN you have existed as, such as perfection for example, that you have conditioned into every part of your mind, being and body…will ‘fight for its right to exist’. YEARS of conditioning RISING UP and ‘fighting change’. This in itself also opened up an interesting process of WHY we make CHANGE and SELF CHANGE so DIFFICULT for ourselves?!?!?!? This I will answer in posts to come! But, for now – let’s continue with the process I have walked in this first dimension of why and how it is that I was fighting and reacting to / blaming my own programming – creating me into my own worst enemy instead of my own ‘best friend’ to assist and support me in this DECISION to CHANGE my relationship and living within and as the word perfection:

When I made my first mistake after redefining my relationship with the word PERFECTION – I realised I was ADDING another dimension / process to my experience. When I made my first mistake, I could see how my tendency for perfectionism creeped back in, with this little voice in the background of my mind saying: “why didn’t you do it better?” / “how could you have done it so wrong?” / “I mean, really?!?!?!? Why are you even trying!!!” / “you’re just not good enough, stop, let it go, give it to someone else to try”. Once the very familiar thoughts of judgment arrived after not attaining my absolute perfection in a moment, I started judging myself for going into that very pattern again lol. Then, the inner voice changed to: “why did you try being perfect again?” / “you know you can’t be perfect” / “I thought I was changing” / “I can’t be perfect, just accept it!” – but all these backchats were done in the emotional experience of victimizing myself in noticing the pattern, instead of SUPPORTING myself…

I will continue in the next post with how I managed to change / transform my own worst enemy creation in my process of change from perfection, into me becoming my own best friend: assisting and supporting myself in my DECISION to CHANGE and actually DOING it!