From my Own Worst Enemy to becoming my Own Best Friend

From my Own Worst Enemy to becoming my Own Best Friend

(My Process with Perfection)

I will continue in the next post with how I managed to change / transform my own worst enemy creation in my process of change from perfection, into me becoming my own best friend: assisting and supporting myself in my DECISION to CHANGE and actually DOING it!

With realising that I, at the same time as wanting to change my relationship with perfection, was preventing myself from changing: I could see this vicious cycle continuing in real time moments during / after making a mistake. My tendency towards perfectionism creeping up and creeping back through subtle reactional movements within me accompanied by the sneaky and manipulative dialogue that was coming up in the back of my mind. Herein, I identified even more dimensions with regards to the extent to which perfectionism existed within me. This is something you will discover in this process of walking through yourself, your mind: you walk through so many layers and dimensions within yourself as you realise how deep the ‘consciousness rabbit hole’ goes when it comes to your own programming of personalities, thought-, reaction- and behavioural-patterns.

With taking a step back, I realised what opened up for me was simply another point I can understand and walk through when it comes to my relationship with perfectionism and especially what I do to myself with my own thoughts and emotions if I do not reach / attain an expected / anticipatory level of perfection I demanded of myself.

Therefore, what I would like everyone to take with you is to remember that: in the process of self-change – when you’re IN THE MOMENT of CHANGE, where the moment of opportunity to change is RIGHT HERE with and within you – sometimes MORE dimensions / points to an initial problem will open up, creating the experience of ‘preventing you from changing’. But, it’s not so much a ‘prevention of change’ that is happening, as much as it is simply more dimensions / points opening up for you to face, look at, understand and walk through.

Like with me, I expected that the MOMENT of CHANGE will happen as smoothly, naturally and immediately as I envisioned it within myself the moment I understood the problem my relationship with perfection created when it came to making mistakes. When faced with the reality of change…the exact opposite happened lol. It was more that, as I started opening up this problem, MORE of the PROBLEM opened up within and during my process of self change in real time.

The two main dimensions, as I mentioned from the previous post into this one, that contributed to creating me as my own worst enemy was: 1. Noticing the ‘little voices’ in the back of my head in the moments of opportunity for change and 2. Recycling within the exact same pattern I am trying to change in moments of opportunity – just in a different / new way. Therefore, to assist and support yourself within and during the process and experience of change in real moments, when you’re so directly confronted with an old pattern – to look at out for anything and everything else that comes up within you that is keeping you from ACTUALLY CHANGING. That is keeping you from sticking to your DECISION to CHANGE – to move through them, understand it, let it go an FOCUS YOURSELF on you, the moment and the CHANGE. So that nothing else matters in that moment but the outcome of your DECISIVE CHANGE.

I will in the next post continue with some practical examples of how I from and through this experience of redefining and living my change within and as the word perfection: moved from my own worst enemy to becoming my own best friend, assisting and supporting myself in and as the DECISION for CHANGE instead of victimizing myself within my own self created problems. 

How Self Judgment supported my Journey to Self Acceptance

How Self Judgment supported my Journey to Self Acceptance

(My process with Perfection)

A dimension of perfection I’d like to open up in this post has to do with how I realised there was this ‘vague image’ of myself in my mind. This image representing perfectionism – always doing, saying the right, best things for myself and others. So, ANY moment I did not live up to my own perfectionism – down comes the wrath of judgment, criticism, mental and emotional self bullying. Spiralling me into a state of inferiority, being self conscious, introverted, always second guessing and questioning myself. Remaining in this constant state, while at the same time still doing my best to attain this perfection I was striving for within myself.

I do emphasize that this image within my Mind was vague. Vague, in the sense that – I could never quite clearly ‘define’ what it means to be ‘perfect’ in my own eyes, just that however and whoever I was, was never good enough. It’s like I had created this ‘god’ in my mind – the ‘almighty perfectionist’ and everything of who I was, how I lived in thought, word and deed could not live up to this ‘almighty perfectionist’ in my mind.

So, here I was in this constant, continuous inner-conflict within myself: creating a simulated, vague projection of perfectionism – while at the same time NEVER feeling like ANYTHING I was doing within all that I am in thought, word and deed was living up to those standards. As I mentioned, I always in some way found a way to find something wrong, bad, not good enough within myself.

When I eventually managed to drop the veil of perfectionism – I found that what was lying beyond it was pure SELF JUDGMENT. I found a part of myself hiding behind perfectionism. A part of me sitting on a chair in my own Mind ‘looking down at myself’ – magnifying all the problems, issues and experiences I went through within myself, my mind and general life experience. It’s as though saying to myself “I want things to be perfect” sounds better than “I am seriously judgmental of myself, I am not good enough, everything is always wrong and bad, I will never attain to becoming more than who, how and what I am now”. So, I was HIDING a part of MYSELF within and behind this apparent strive to be ‘perfect’: THE JUDGE.

Interestingly enough, buying into this simulation of perfection inside my mind – proclaiming the façade of “I want to be perfect”: I was EVERYTHING but that. In my VISIBLE LIVING I was the complete opposite of perfection (according to my definition of self perfection back then): introverted, suppressive, shy, self conscious, trying to fit in, inferiority complexes by the many. Yet, I was so obsessed and possessed by this interplay between myself and perfectionism: I deluded myself into believing that “I am on my way to becoming perfect! I will become perfect one day!” Yet, existing in pure inner conflict day in and day out – ‘cause no matter how hard I tried, I never reached perfection, always the opposite. In a way, almost becoming addicted to this relationship with myself that I had programmed / created for YEARS: always striving to attain the unreachable, the vague, the undefined perfectionist within myself by constantly and continuously bullying myself with thoughts, emotions, criticism and judgment. Creating in this vicious cycle a form of self-punishment for not living up to my own and other’s standards or expectations.

This journey within and as the word Perfection – starting with my own initial definition and experience of self perfection: assisted and supported me in my process of learning what it means to drop SELF JUDGMENT, live the word(s) SELF ACCEPTANCE. Once this process started: I started the process of REDEFINING perfection, self perfection within myself which also tied into my process of making mistakes, learning from them in a way where I stand as an example for myself and others. I will continue with this in posts to come.

Dependable: From a Perfect Beginner to a Perfect Faller…

Dependable: From a Perfect Beginner to a Perfect Faller…

I will continue more with this in the next post to come – also expanding on the consequential role that perfection played within it all, even though I have redefined and lived the word dependable. This is also something that you will find in the process of redefining and living words: you may sometimes find yourself in other situations, environments and people that throws the living of your words ‘off course for a moment and other old patterns can creep back in’. Meaning, I may in ONE environment with SPECIFIC people walked the process of redefining and living the word dependable, but when I was faced with something different – it challenged my redefinition / living of the words in a way where I needed to EXPAND on it. So, redefining and living words is a constant, continuous process of self expansion through LIVING!

In my working environment in my early twenties, I learned BALANCE through considering me, my relationship with others, my time and my responsibilities / obligations – accordingly prioritising myself, everything and everyone in a functional, practical way; leading to becoming the living words dependable, hardworking, reliable as well as doing the best for me and everyone else. This including my general life process when it came to making mistakes, being able to learn from them and change myself through them – sharing this process and being a supportive living example for others.

However…lol, what happened within my mind was imbuing my process of learning from mistakes and changing myself from and through them as well as being dependable within the working environment and people in it, with none other than PERFECTION. In other words, as I walked through one layer of perfection when it came to ‘never wanting to make mistakes in the first place’ - it morphed / opened up into ALWAYS learning from my mistakes IMMEDIATELY, as fast as possible as best as possible and if I didn’t…but still made similar / same mistakes or the change process taking longer than I wanted it to or expected from myself: back creeped in the nature of ‘perfection’, just in another, different way. Or if, in the working environment, I didn’t BALANCE myself, my relationship with others, time and obligations / responsibilities properly – in came the ‘perfection’ dimension in relation to not balancing ‘perfectly’ / ‘good enough’ through my own eyes.

So, it’s been interesting to observe the CHALLENGES I have faced within myself in this process that opened up through the word DEPENDABLE and how my process, relationship and living with the word perfection seriously made my experience and change within the word dependable so the more difficult.

This then lead me to start walking my process within and through the word PERFECTION and investigating how this DOMINANT word within and as me has been influencing my process in many different ways. Especially also in another dimension where I recognised this word was coming through which was when it came to creating the IDEA that ‘I am officially self dependable in my trust to walk through and learn from ALL mistakes’…until ‘life happens’ and brings you circumstances, situations and moments with yourself and other people that truly brings such IDEAS in the MIND back to REALITY. Throughout my experiences, I eventually realised I made my definition of dependable DEPENDENT again on ‘making it through mistakes and being a supportive example from me for others’, essentially here LIMITING my definition of dependable, because I did not allow myself to be FLEXIBLE within who I am as dependable when it comes to my own self honesty and self trust.

So, when my life changed from my working environment and so the nature of my exposure to life and I started making ‘new types of mistakes’ within myself and my life, mistakes I was never exposed to before: I FELL. I went back into isolation, suppression, judgment, being hard on myself – I PERFECTLY FELL lol and this time into the OPPOSITE POLARITY where I didn’t balance myself, my relationships my time and obligations / responsibilities at all but kept my participation in myself and life to the bare minimum. I eventually managed to stand up from this process – but challenging it was indeed.

So, to take with you for today in your process of walking defining, redefining and living words is: Never to make an ABSOLUTE definition / process of a word, such as the mistake I made where I made my definition of DEPENDABLE absolute when it came to mistakes and who I am within and as mistakes. Eventually I learned the following and expanded my self definition of dependable in a way where: I know that, whatever the mistake, no matter how tough, I will possibly even make mistakes WITHIN a mistake lol – but one thing I have proven to myself, dropping all the judgments, being hard on myself etc. is that: I well get through it, stand up from it.

So, my dependable-trust relationship then transformed into and as the HEART of me which is: I AM HERE, I trust me that with my self honesty as I walk through and process myself within and as a mistake that I will get through it, learn from, stand up and change – no matter how long it takes, I AM HERE and I am walking. This is the final statement I have proven to myself since then - and the definition that has supported me throughout all this time up until now, I could expand this also into any and every challenges I face within myself, my life.

In the next post I will share more tangible, practical examples expanding on making a definition of a word too ABSOLUTE and not allowing yourself to be FLEXIBLE within redefining and living words. Also, what can happen when you try and be TOO PERFECT within living a redefined word and how you can create positive and negative polarities within yourself, relationships and life in general – which can contribute to the experience of ‘falling, standing up, falling’ – instead of more looking at such a process as a process of learning, reflecting and changing.

Isness vs Rebirth (Part 2): DAY 11

Isness vs Rebirth (Part 2): DAY 11

The Desteni of Living – Utmost Potential (Part 9)

The Principle of Realising and Living my Utmost Potential

In this post and posts to come, I am discussing what ‘Realising and Living my Utmost Potential’ practically means – through showing how I have (and still do) live and realise this Principle.

STEP 1: Recognizing my own Potential (Self Forgiveness)

In the next post, I will continue with sharing a way through this Controlling Fear, through the barriers of protection / defence mechanisms keeping Human Consciousness in an stuckness / isness of being ‘I am what I am’ – with this point a contributory factor to why and how it is that we intrinsically have not changed within / throughout the history of human civilization; and why our minds, our lives and the world as a whole keep on cycling through the same perpetual consequence generation after generation.

When I started walking process, I started with the most ‘obvious’ things in my Mind and relationship with others that were undeniably compromising me and my life in general. Like, for example the point of ‘taking things personally’ – this was an obvious point that I could clearly see in my Mind and relationship with others was affecting me, my behaviour, the experience of myself and decisions I would make when it comes to other people and how I experience / behave towards them.

So, what is suggested within your process – to break through the controlling fear of your Consciousness keeping you in an “isness self acceptance” is to simply have a look at your own mind and relationship with others / things in your life that you can clearly see is compromising your experience. For example: seeing that you emotionally react to the same person in the same instance over and over and over again, seeing that you have difficulty waking up in the mornings – having a tendency to wake up with emotion, seeing that you judge yourself constantly throughout the day, seeing how you fear the future, seeing how memories of the past still haunt you when they come up within you to which you emotionally react…so, identify one such point within yourself and start working with it / on it with the tools of writing, forgiveness and practical living application as walked in the DIP Lite (Free Course) and DIP Pro Course.

Herein, with taking one point and seeing for yourself how you can change – this moment gives you the OPPORTUNITY, a ‘break through’ opportunity to be able to take on and walk through the other parts of yourself in your Mind / your life in general to walk into and as a process of change.

When I started with taking that first step of walking self-forgiveness and changing myself in moments, an interesting thing developed within me: I was becoming curious as to how I would change with investigating, understanding and opening up all the other things within myself and my life…and so my process of change, of becoming and realising my utmost potential started. Because, I realised that: I initially interpreted the process of change to be like a “180 degrees flip”, you know – where it was like all of me was on one side of an A4 paper and change would be when you flip that piece of paper around completely and I would become so changed I would not recognize myself at all…when this is not how this process of change happens…

This process of change happens more as a birthing process through which a ‘changed self EMERGE’; so it’s more like an ‘emergence’ of self than a complete ‘flip’ that happens. For example, you can look at it as: standing on one side of a waterfall, in the cave of the Mind – always only ever seeing the inside of the cave / the mind as it exists, always only looking into the waterfall as the milieu of thoughts and emotions your consciousness generate…so, process is more like parts of you, walking a process through the waterfall, understanding the thoughts and emotions, the ‘self’ it creates in the cave of the mind / consciousness and out into the other side into the seeing / realising of your utmost potential. As you walk through the waterfall, the process of understanding the thoughts/emotions and the extent to which they define / affect behaviour and one’s experience – you simultaneously start transforming / changing and in this process your awareness EXPANDS into and as the ‘great outdoors’, the multi-dimensions of the mind and this reality - SEEING MORE as YOU become MORE within yourself in/as your transforming, birthing and expansion process.

For example: when I was taking things personally, I believed that ‘it’s who/how/what I am’ – because my thoughts and emotions would automatically, immediately come up and I would react to another person’s words / behaviour…never KNOWING that I can actually change the experience of myself. So, here – a part of me was in the cave of the mind, this part defined as ‘taking things personally’; so as long as I accept/allow a part of me to exist as ‘taking things personally’ – whenever a person would speak with me/behave towards me a certain way and that resonates towards me, my mind: the potential for me to take things personally will always exist, because I accept/allow a part of me as ‘taking things personally to exist’…therefore becoming predictable in the sense of in similar situations / with similar people speaking / behaving in particular ways – to react in taking them personally.

So, the process is thus to change / transform this part of myself of ‘taking things personally’ into rather ‘seeing the words / behaviour through the eyes of the person, considering them’. This is the process of walking through the waterfall, out of the cave – as a part of you would then transform from always accepting/allowing to take things personally, to now standing in the shoes of another. So then, every time people speak / behave in certain ways and that resonates towards self – instead of the ‘taking things personally’ part of myself stepping forth, what now stands is ‘standing in the shoes another’ and instead support them rather than react to them.

The actual process through the waterfall is understanding the thoughts and emotions creating the ‘taking things personally’ part of myself, where they come from, why they exist, why I accepted them – to forgive and let go of the thoughts / reactions and instead make a decision to stand, be stable and change myself in the moment and how I respond in the moment. Herein, self EXPANDS – because previously: I was limited to only seeing my own thoughts / emotions in such moments – now, with moving beyond them, remaining stable and placing myself in the shoes of another – I SEE more, UNDERSTAND more about myself and others, because with taking that step back and out of my own mind, I now learn more about another – why they do / say what they do in moments, that it more defines them than it ever defined me, for example. So, it’s fascinating how much you LEARN about yourself as these parts of you EMERGE from the cave of the Mind through the waterfall of change into a self expansion within oneself, one’s relationship with others.

So, this process is not a change as in a ‘flip’ change, but a change as in how you transform, birth ‘dormant potentials’ within yourself and so EXPAND yourself to being / becoming so much more than the accepted and allowed limitations the controlling fear of consciousness impose on one, keeping one in the darkness of the mind to not see / realise and in fact live the potential within self that’s been suppressed. You just need to take that step to move THROUGH and BEYOND your thoughts and emotions and realise that there is a part, an awareness within yourself that can direct and change your thoughts and emotions for the betterment of you, your experience and your relationship with others.

So, again – I suggest, for those who are ‘sceptic’ – take a self honest moment with yourself, identify difficult / challenging things in your mind pertaining to thoughts, memories and emotions that have become a repetitive cycle you can see is compromising your experience, body / relationship with another and see what change emerge, how you transform yourself – showing yourself how change is a birthing process and how you can expand yourself with UNDERSTANDING how the mind, thoughts and emotions work with the ability to direct them and change them.

In the next post I will continue with some practical examples of how exactly one’s awareness expand as you walk the process of self transformation, change and eventual birthing – the process of realising one’s potential and eventually living one’s utmost potential…

The Desteni of Living – Utmost Potential (Part 2): DAY 2

The Desteni of Living – Utmost Potential: DAY 2

The Principle of Realising and Living my Utmost Potential

In this post and posts to come, I am discussing what ‘Realising and Living my Utmost Potential’ practically means – through showing how I have (and still do) live and realise this Principle.

STEP 1: Recognizing my own Potential (Self Forgiveness)

Here I will walk a Self Forgiveness Process showing how I accepted and allowed myself to suppress me and so my potential, to the extent of not even recognizing that I had potential. Essentially constructing myself in my Mind in such a way where I ‘lost’ a part of myself and completely embraced the acceptance and allowance of self limitation. This so severe that, when I was given Responsibility – more than I had ever had, it took me a while to break through the barriers of self limitation I had set for myself. It was quite a process within myself and between this individual that gave me the responsibility to eventually allow myself to open up to myself, my potential and FOR MYSELF see what I am able to do if I would but only allow myself to see / realise and apply / live. In this Self Forgiveness and Self Commitment Process I will show the process of what I faced in my Mind and outside world in relation to self-limitation and how I assisted and supported myself to transcend this:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the self-belief of “I am not good enough”

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand how such a self-belief – if given enough thoughts and energy, would become ME, through and through, to the extent where this self-belief is all that I will see and be; locking myself down / into myself to not be able to see the potential of being / becoming anything ‘more’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the characteristics and traits of such a self-belief as “not being good enough”, where this self-belief would become my presence and my actions – leading to giving up / giving in before I even started and in so doing, not showing myself and so others anything different in who I am in word and deed than being undependable and irresponsible – because every time I was given responsibility, I would give up / give in and essentially sabotage the opportunity to prove to myself and others of being capable of doing / being ‘more’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand how my “within” would become my “without” – where: I kept on accepting and allowing self-doubt, insecurity, fear, uselessness to sabotage my relationship to responsibility, then responsibility would come and accept/allow “I am not good enough” to take over – which then leads to me disappointing myself and others when it comes to responsibilities until eventually…I stopped placing myself in ‘responsible’ / ‘dependable’ situations and embraced the ‘irresponsible’ / ‘undependable’ persona

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed to see, realise and understand how an IDEA of self, becomes a belief, becomes your being and so embodies your actions – such as “I am not good enough” / “I can’t do this” / “I won’t be able to do this”, which then generates emotions of self doubt, insecurity, fear, uselessness etc. and fascinatingly enough – how these relationships becomes a vicious cycle from within self, to the without and then from the without to the within where: first it’s the idea, then the believing of the idea, then the becoming of the idea that is then lived into the outside world, where the outside world will then respond to you as the IDEA you are projecting, which then confirms your IDEA of yourself and so over and over and over again – you are stuck in the cycle of eventual self-destruction

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand the extent to which this initial idea of myself that then became my self-belief – my “I’m not good enough”-religion, the extent to which it possessed me that I did not ever consider changing myself…it’s as though the prospect of change or even being able to change myself was so non-existent that if I were left to my own vices…I would have surely this life not been where I am and who I am in this moment; seeing, realising and understanding how much of ourselves is purely based on ideas / self-beliefs that can be CHANGED – we only don’t realise / see this POTENTIAL because we’re so lost, locked-in and possessed on a mind, being and physical level into and as ideas / beliefs that it seems SO CEMENTED…so unchangeable that we simply do not even consider change…

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that I would not have been able to assist and support myself in my self-change process – if I was not shown the POTENTIAL I have for change / self-change; this POTENTIAL of change / self change exists within and as the moment you SHOW YOURSELF that you can change / correct yourself, learn from mistakes and so grow, develop and expand within who you are in thought, word and deed – so that the within change, for the without to change; which then completely changes your experience and life experience

In the next post I will continue with Self Forgiveness and Self Commitment Statements – showing how the FIRST INSTANCE of realising that POTENTIAL EXISTS…is where you SHOW YOURSELF you can change, this being the first SEED of SELF POTENTIAL that becomes planted and with being nourished…you will flower / grow into and as your utmost potential…

The Desteni of Living – My Utmost Potential: DAY 1

The Desteni of Living – My Utmost Potential: DAY 1

The Principle of Realising and Living my Utmost Potential

In this post, I am discussing what ‘Realising and Living my Utmost Potential’ practically means – through showing how I have (and still do) live and realise this Principle.

The wording of this Principle is very specific, for you first have to REALISE your utmost potential before you are able to LIVE it. Then, we also have to look what ‘your Utmost Potential’ practically entails – with ‘practically’ I mean: how exactly do you visibly live and apply your utmost potential in everyday life to contribute your life experience as well as that of others.

We’re going to start with defining ‘Utmost Potential’.

I have found within my personal process / life experience – that I so often underestimated myself to the extent where I couldn’t fathom me having any ‘potential’, where I in a time within my life believed that “this is all I will ever be” / “I will never reach / attain anything ‘more’” – you know, that experience within yourself of just “settling for less”.

I have mostly found what hampered my seeing / realising any potential within myself – primarily came from approaching challenges in my life and immediately reacting to them in a way of “I can’t do this” / “I won’t be able to this” / “I’m going to disappoint everyone”. So, without even trying – I sell myself short, leading to giving up and so keeping myself in my self-proclaimed limitation / ‘settling for less’ inner and out experience. This is where and how in such moments – I never allowed myself to see what I am capable of, what potential I do have and what not.

STEP 1: Recognizing you have Potential

The process of realising and living your utmost potential – starts with the first step of RECOGNIZING you have potential! This is why, for some, when looking at the words ‘utmost potential’ – you kind of ‘hit a blank’ within yourself: it’s because you haven’t yet established within yourself the fact that you do have potential in the first place.

By this I mean the following: I have met a person in my life that gave me a lot of responsibility. No one before this had ever given me responsibility / considered giving me responsibility because of how I behaved in my life: I was generally viewed as undependable and irresponsible. Obviously, the responsibility of this was solely on me – yet, I used to take it very personally and often blamed others; refusing to see the fact that it was in my actions that I was showing myself and others what, who and how I was accepting and allowing myself to be. It took one person to – instead of ONLY looking at my actions, still recognize the fact that I do have potential: it was just that I myself didn’t yet realise it / see it. Because this individual had in their life walked a similar path – initially seeing no potential in themselves, to realising that even when they were in the toughest of times within themselves / their lives where all seemed lost: they still had potential – this allowed this individual to show others how self-potential still exists, it’s always here, you only need to recognize it by being shown and then foster it within yourself.

This is the important point within it all: we don’t often realise the extent to which we can become self absorbed in our Mind, such as for example what I had found with becoming the belief that I wouldn’t amount to anything in my life, which caused me to not even recognize the fact that I do still have potential – even when all seemed lost within myself / my life. This is why and how, with the support and assistance of those who were able to / already have stepped out of such absorption / beliefs in the Mind – you can assist and support yourself to realise the potential for potential to be fostered within you and so lived.

As I have been shown the potential of my potential – and from the showing, lived and applied myself to change myself, I will through walking my process in this blog, show you the potential of your potential. But, as with all things – I can only SHOW you the way: you have to walk it.

We’ll continue more in posts to come