The PERFECT Judge
(My process with Perfection)
Connecting all the points I opened up and discussed
in the previous two blogs about Perfection:
On the surface, I was see-sawing between the desire
and fear of perfection (desire to be perfect, yet fear of not being perfect);
while being stuck in the middle as the inner-chaos that ensued because of it. With
the outflow consequence of self bullying, self criticism, judgments, not being
good enough - together with the emotions of fear, anxiety, stress, worry etc.
Upon introspection and investigating the deeper
dimensions: I came to see, realise and understand that what was within and
behind this ‘vague perfectionist image’ within my own mind was Judgment. The very
nature / essence of my perfectionism was based in judgment.
From here, let’s have a look at the dynamic between
self judgment, self acceptance and perfectionism when it comes to your personal
relationship and experience with yourself:
With bringing all the dimensions, points and layers
together – I found, in my experience within myself that the perfectionism ‘replaced’
my self acceptance. So, with not understanding that self-judgment exists
because self acceptance does not exist, I in my mind programming / design
created this ‘vague perfectionist image’ of myself to try and balance the
extent of my own self judgment within myself, my mind. Essentially simulating an
‘image of myself in mind representing the illusion of acceptance’ / ‘my ideal
acceptance’ according to what I believed / perceived I should be or would be if
I were in my ideal / best state of acceptance.
To place it / describe it in other words: it’s like I
managed to collect / gather all the judgments of myself in one ball and then
into another ball I projected the ‘opposite of all of my judgments’ (which
became my vague self perfection image).
Here is the system / design of polarity I was stuck
in, because I didn’t then understand or know that the KEY to release myself
from self judgment was to WALK THROUGH self judgment and create myself into and
as SELF ACCEPTANCE. But, because I also did not know or understand that I have
the ability / capability to CHANGE who I am within and as self judgment: I
managed to create a polarized BALANCING SYSTEM between judgment and
perfectionism within myself to try and manage / deal with the extent of my
judgment within myself.
This finally made me realise that the ‘problem’ was
never within and as the word ‘perfect’: it was an illusion. The real problem
was who I am within and as my relationship with the word JUDGMENT. With the
fact that I did not have any definition or understanding of SELF ACCEPTANCE and
that self acceptance cannot exist as long as judgment exists. Together with
this, I never actually really looked at defining perfection: my ‘vague
perfectionist image’ was made up of polarity opposites of all my self
judgments!!!
As mentioned in the previous post, I from here
starting writing out – daily, the most common self judgments I accepted and
allowed to entertain and participate in within my Mind. From here, I started
redefining the self judgments into self acceptance. Together with this, I
started a process of redefining self perfection more into something real,
something tangible that assisted and supported me in my process through making
mistakes and learning from them. This I will continue with in posts to come.
