Perfectionism: How I created my Own Worst Enemy
(My process with Perfection)
During my process of redefining and living the word
Perfection, I discovered this sneaky little manipulative voice coming at me in
moments of opportunity for change. This, a practical example of how we are, in
fact, our own worst enemies. The problem though, is that we don’t always see
and understand HOW EXACTLY we CREATE ourselves into our own worst enemy!
Interestingly enough, we oftentimes approach our
‘enemies’ with blame and tons of emotional attacking in our ourselves, our
minds. I found I was doing this with my own mind. When it came to me genuinely
WANTING to change my relationship with perfection, it felt as though - at the
same time as I was wanting to change - a part of me was doing everything and
anything possible to NOT change. A part of me was blaming and reacting to my
own programming of perfection, another part of me was ‘attacking’ myself while
trying to, in moments, change my relationship with perfection…so, this change
process was quite an internal rollercoaster ride! Let me explain HOW EXACTLY I
CREATED myself into my own worst enemy within and during my process of changing
my relationship and living as the word PERFECTION:
The first dimension I noticed was me blaming and
reacting to my own programming of perfection. Here, whenever I NOTICED and
RECOGNISED I was going into a pattern of perfection: I would judge myself,
become emotional – essentially accept and allow myself to go into a cycle of
victimization. This, an example of how we become enemies OF OURSELVES and why,
along with walking the redefining and living of the perfection, it was SO
IMPORTANT to me to equally walk the change FROM SELF JUDGMENT to ACCEPTANCE.
Most who have walked their process of understanding
how we create our own problems within our own minds within ourselves lol – have
noticed that: the MOMENT you KNOW EXACTLY HOW you created a certain thinking
and reacting pattern / personality: there’s this inherent tendency to judge
yourself / react to yourself when you see you accepted and allowed yourself to
go into it again. Which is REALLY BIZARRE when you look at it, because: you’d
‘naturally think / believe’ that – because you’re in the PROCESS OF CHANGE and
genuinely wanting to change, that all the doors will open up from there and
everything and everyone will support you in and during this process of
change…even your own Mind! But, does that happen?!?!?!?...NOPE! If
anything…when you START the process of CHANGE, that’s the moment the challenge
starts on so many levels within yourself. Because, even though a PART of you
WANTS to change – the MAJORITY of you AS THE PATTERN you have existed as, such
as perfection for example, that you have conditioned into every part of your
mind, being and body…will ‘fight for its right to exist’. YEARS of conditioning
RISING UP and ‘fighting change’. This in itself also opened up an interesting
process of WHY we make CHANGE and SELF CHANGE so DIFFICULT for ourselves?!?!?!?
This I will answer in posts to come! But, for now – let’s continue with the
process I have walked in this first dimension of why and how it is that I was
fighting and reacting to / blaming my own programming – creating me into my own
worst enemy instead of my own ‘best friend’ to assist and support me in this
DECISION to CHANGE my relationship and living within and as the word
perfection:
When I made my first mistake after redefining my
relationship with the word PERFECTION – I realised I was ADDING another
dimension / process to my experience. When I made my first mistake, I could see
how my tendency for perfectionism creeped back in, with this little voice in
the background of my mind saying: “why didn’t you do it better?” / “how could
you have done it so wrong?” / “I mean, really?!?!?!? Why are you even trying!!!”
/ “you’re just not good enough, stop, let it go, give it to someone else to try”.
Once the very familiar thoughts of judgment arrived after not attaining my
absolute perfection in a moment, I started judging myself for going into that
very pattern again lol. Then, the inner voice changed to: “why did you try
being perfect again?” / “you know you can’t be perfect” / “I thought I was
changing” / “I can’t be perfect, just accept it!” – but all these backchats
were done in the emotional experience of victimizing myself in noticing the
pattern, instead of SUPPORTING myself…
I will continue in the next post with how I managed
to change / transform my own worst enemy creation in my process of change from
perfection, into me becoming my own best friend: assisting and supporting
myself in my DECISION to CHANGE and actually DOING it!
