How Self Judgment supported my Journey to
Self Acceptance
(My process with Perfection)
A dimension of perfection I’d like to open up in this
post has to do with how I realised there was this ‘vague image’ of myself in my
mind. This image representing perfectionism – always doing, saying the right,
best things for myself and others. So, ANY moment I did not live up to my own
perfectionism – down comes the wrath of judgment, criticism, mental and
emotional self bullying. Spiralling me into a state of inferiority, being self
conscious, introverted, always second guessing and questioning myself.
Remaining in this constant state, while at the same time still doing my best to
attain this perfection I was striving for within myself.
I do emphasize that this image within my Mind was
vague. Vague, in the sense that – I could never quite clearly ‘define’ what it
means to be ‘perfect’ in my own eyes, just that however and whoever I was, was
never good enough. It’s like I had created this ‘god’ in my mind – the ‘almighty
perfectionist’ and everything of who I was, how I lived in thought, word and
deed could not live up to this ‘almighty perfectionist’ in my mind.
So, here I was in this constant, continuous
inner-conflict within myself: creating a simulated, vague projection of
perfectionism – while at the same time NEVER feeling like ANYTHING I was doing
within all that I am in thought, word and deed was living up to those
standards. As I mentioned, I always in some way found a way to find something
wrong, bad, not good enough within myself.
When I eventually managed to drop the veil of
perfectionism – I found that what was lying beyond it was pure SELF JUDGMENT. I
found a part of myself hiding behind perfectionism. A part of me sitting on a
chair in my own Mind ‘looking down at myself’ – magnifying all the problems,
issues and experiences I went through within myself, my mind and general life
experience. It’s as though saying to myself “I want things to be perfect”
sounds better than “I am seriously judgmental of myself, I am not good enough,
everything is always wrong and bad, I will never attain to becoming more than
who, how and what I am now”. So, I was HIDING a part of MYSELF within and
behind this apparent strive to be ‘perfect’: THE JUDGE.
Interestingly enough, buying into this simulation of
perfection inside my mind – proclaiming the façade of “I want to be perfect”: I
was EVERYTHING but that. In my VISIBLE LIVING I was the complete opposite of
perfection (according to my definition of self perfection back then):
introverted, suppressive, shy, self conscious, trying to fit in, inferiority
complexes by the many. Yet, I was so obsessed and possessed by this interplay
between myself and perfectionism: I deluded myself into believing that “I am on
my way to becoming perfect! I will become perfect one day!” Yet, existing in
pure inner conflict day in and day out – ‘cause no matter how hard I tried, I
never reached perfection, always the opposite. In a way, almost becoming
addicted to this relationship with myself that I had programmed / created for
YEARS: always striving to attain the unreachable, the vague, the undefined
perfectionist within myself by constantly and continuously bullying myself with
thoughts, emotions, criticism and judgment. Creating in this vicious cycle a
form of self-punishment for not living up to my own and other’s standards or
expectations.
This journey within and as the word Perfection –
starting with my own initial definition and experience of self perfection:
assisted and supported me in my process of learning what it means to drop SELF
JUDGMENT, live the word(s) SELF ACCEPTANCE. Once this process started: I
started the process of REDEFINING perfection, self perfection within myself
which also tied into my process of making mistakes, learning from them in a way
where I stand as an example for myself and others. I will continue with this in
posts to come.
