Dependable: From a Perfect Beginner to a Perfect Faller…

Dependable: From a Perfect Beginner to a Perfect Faller…

I will continue more with this in the next post to come – also expanding on the consequential role that perfection played within it all, even though I have redefined and lived the word dependable. This is also something that you will find in the process of redefining and living words: you may sometimes find yourself in other situations, environments and people that throws the living of your words ‘off course for a moment and other old patterns can creep back in’. Meaning, I may in ONE environment with SPECIFIC people walked the process of redefining and living the word dependable, but when I was faced with something different – it challenged my redefinition / living of the words in a way where I needed to EXPAND on it. So, redefining and living words is a constant, continuous process of self expansion through LIVING!

In my working environment in my early twenties, I learned BALANCE through considering me, my relationship with others, my time and my responsibilities / obligations – accordingly prioritising myself, everything and everyone in a functional, practical way; leading to becoming the living words dependable, hardworking, reliable as well as doing the best for me and everyone else. This including my general life process when it came to making mistakes, being able to learn from them and change myself through them – sharing this process and being a supportive living example for others.

However…lol, what happened within my mind was imbuing my process of learning from mistakes and changing myself from and through them as well as being dependable within the working environment and people in it, with none other than PERFECTION. In other words, as I walked through one layer of perfection when it came to ‘never wanting to make mistakes in the first place’ - it morphed / opened up into ALWAYS learning from my mistakes IMMEDIATELY, as fast as possible as best as possible and if I didn’t…but still made similar / same mistakes or the change process taking longer than I wanted it to or expected from myself: back creeped in the nature of ‘perfection’, just in another, different way. Or if, in the working environment, I didn’t BALANCE myself, my relationship with others, time and obligations / responsibilities properly – in came the ‘perfection’ dimension in relation to not balancing ‘perfectly’ / ‘good enough’ through my own eyes.

So, it’s been interesting to observe the CHALLENGES I have faced within myself in this process that opened up through the word DEPENDABLE and how my process, relationship and living with the word perfection seriously made my experience and change within the word dependable so the more difficult.

This then lead me to start walking my process within and through the word PERFECTION and investigating how this DOMINANT word within and as me has been influencing my process in many different ways. Especially also in another dimension where I recognised this word was coming through which was when it came to creating the IDEA that ‘I am officially self dependable in my trust to walk through and learn from ALL mistakes’…until ‘life happens’ and brings you circumstances, situations and moments with yourself and other people that truly brings such IDEAS in the MIND back to REALITY. Throughout my experiences, I eventually realised I made my definition of dependable DEPENDENT again on ‘making it through mistakes and being a supportive example from me for others’, essentially here LIMITING my definition of dependable, because I did not allow myself to be FLEXIBLE within who I am as dependable when it comes to my own self honesty and self trust.

So, when my life changed from my working environment and so the nature of my exposure to life and I started making ‘new types of mistakes’ within myself and my life, mistakes I was never exposed to before: I FELL. I went back into isolation, suppression, judgment, being hard on myself – I PERFECTLY FELL lol and this time into the OPPOSITE POLARITY where I didn’t balance myself, my relationships my time and obligations / responsibilities at all but kept my participation in myself and life to the bare minimum. I eventually managed to stand up from this process – but challenging it was indeed.

So, to take with you for today in your process of walking defining, redefining and living words is: Never to make an ABSOLUTE definition / process of a word, such as the mistake I made where I made my definition of DEPENDABLE absolute when it came to mistakes and who I am within and as mistakes. Eventually I learned the following and expanded my self definition of dependable in a way where: I know that, whatever the mistake, no matter how tough, I will possibly even make mistakes WITHIN a mistake lol – but one thing I have proven to myself, dropping all the judgments, being hard on myself etc. is that: I well get through it, stand up from it.

So, my dependable-trust relationship then transformed into and as the HEART of me which is: I AM HERE, I trust me that with my self honesty as I walk through and process myself within and as a mistake that I will get through it, learn from, stand up and change – no matter how long it takes, I AM HERE and I am walking. This is the final statement I have proven to myself since then - and the definition that has supported me throughout all this time up until now, I could expand this also into any and every challenges I face within myself, my life.

In the next post I will share more tangible, practical examples expanding on making a definition of a word too ABSOLUTE and not allowing yourself to be FLEXIBLE within redefining and living words. Also, what can happen when you try and be TOO PERFECT within living a redefined word and how you can create positive and negative polarities within yourself, relationships and life in general – which can contribute to the experience of ‘falling, standing up, falling’ – instead of more looking at such a process as a process of learning, reflecting and changing.

Dependable: As Within = So Without

Dependable: As Within = So Without

I realised through revisiting my definition and living of the word ‘dependable’, once I walked through the process of not judging / being hard and tough on myself when making mistakes, instead learning from mistakes and practising what I learned into living action to in fact change from within what I have learned: I started sharing, showing more of myself, my process, my mistakes, my ups and downs in a way that assisted and supported so many others. Eventually – over time, solidifying the living of the word dependable as “being a supportive example” rather than ‘absolutely perfect’. But, it was quite the journey to first and foremost live dependable for me, me showing my dependability to myself in being able to stop judging / being so hard on myself and to take that step into actually learning from mistakes and correcting / changing from what I learned.

One of the important things I realised in my process of understanding what it really means to redefine and live words in a way where it becomes a natural part of the way you look at things inside yourself, speak and act / behave is: noticing the stark difference between when a word is a PART of every fibre of your being / presence and natural living as opposed to when you are ‘trying to be a word for everyone else’.

As with the example I have walked: Over some time, focusing developing the redefining and living of the word dependable - so much more opened up in many other areas in my life when it came to how, when, where, why and towards whom this word was still not being lived. This is also something you will find with the process of redefining and living words: yes, you may initially start with ONE redefinition and living context, as with me, where it started within the context of becoming a supportive living example for others. But, from there – my redefinition and living of this word expanded so much more into others areas and relationships in my life, some of the redefinition and living of this word still challenging me to this day. It’s been extraordinary to observe how much I have learned, and still do learn, about myself from ONE WORD. Over time, you become so much more skilled and equipped with self awareness and processing information that you can redefine and live words exceptionally fast. Initially though, it’s a slow but sure process – because it’s something you’ve never done before or been exposed to before.

As with my previous post, I truly became a ‘perfect beginner’ through my process of redefining and living the word ‘dependable’, assisting and supporting myself to actually first and foremost prove dependability to myself and how it completely transformed my relationship to me, my process and so others as well. Where, the more I became dependable in my self trust - stopping judging / being hard on myself for my mistakes, walking a process of writing, forgiveness and corrective living; then ONCE I CHANGED a mistake and first and foremost proven it to myself: sharing it with others – in this, my whole world of communication with other people changed, I stopped isolating myself, I stopped suppressing. Here bringing through the heading of this blog “Dependable: As within = So without”. As I changed ME LIVING this word DEPENDABLE WITHIN MYSELF = it started manifesting in the WITHOUT of myself, seen through my relationship to the process I walked with transforming mistakes and my process / relationship with so many other people. If I did not walk the process of redefining dependable for me within myself and actually LIVED this redefinition = the WITHOUT of myself in my process through life’s mistakes and so my relationship with other people would not have changed. This is an example of one of the self empowering dimensions when it comes to understanding this statement.

Another example, much of it still challenging me in different ways to this day – in which the word ‘perfection’ also played and still does plays a role is the following: (going back in time – my early twenties – when this process of the word dependable / perfection opened up) I initially rushed and raced after everything and everyone else at the same time, this though also part of a ‘wanting to please and make everyone happy’ character I was walking at the time. My experience within the word ‘dependable’ also played a major role within this process, because I wanted to please, be seen as dependable, hardworking, valued etc. Yes, nothing wrong with having such aspirations – BUT – the problem does come in when none of those words are a natural part of you, yourself in your personal relationship with you. Eventually, I was under so much stress, time-consumed with trying to do everything and anything at once, while hoarding more responsibilities than I could handle to keep everyone else happy – I burnt out, ‘cause I had NO balance in equally considering me as much as obligations / responsibilities and rather incorporating more effective time management / prioritizing. On top of that…I couldn’t make everyone happy, no matter how hard I tried, leading to the ratio eventually escalating to the point where more people were disappointed / fed up with me than happy.

So, during this time, with the words “dependable, hardworking, valued, aspiring to have the best relationships with other people” not having been redefined nor lived for me first and foremost in my relationship with me – I was TRYING to gain access to, become or experience those words THROUGH OTHERS in any and every way I could. Here as well you will clearly see the difference between a word being a part of you and ‘trying to be a word for everyone else or GET it from somewhere / someone else’.

So, my journey started where I redefined the words dependable, hardworking, valued, best relationships with everyone in a way THAT INCLUDED ME and a BALANCE in considering me, my obligations and my relationships with others. Through this, I eventually still did everything I did before, but with much more stability, time consideration, scheduling, prioritising and in this process – actually from my within, created the REAL definition and living of the above words in my working environment.

I will continue more with this in the next post to come – also expanding on the consequential role that perfection played within it all, even though I have redefined and lived the word dependable. This is also something that you will find in the process of redefining and living words: you may sometimes find yourself in other situations, environments and people that throws the living of your words ‘off course for a moment and other old patterns can creep back in’. Meaning, I may in ONE environment with SPECIFIC people walked the process of redefining and living the word dependable, but when I was faced with something different – it challenged my redefinition / living of the words in a way where I needed to EXPAND on it. So, redefining and living words is a constant, continuous process of self expansion through LIVING!

Dependable: From Unrealistic Perfection to a Perfect Beginner

Dependable: From Unrealistic Perfection to a Perfect Beginner 

For so many others, when you have so much responsibility, such a massive purpose – does dependability mean “you have to be perfect all the time?” Does dependability mean “perfection” OR…does it mean “being a SUPPORTIVE EXAMPLE?” What is the difference between “perfection” and “being a supportive example?” To me, being a supportive example is: when and as you go through processes and experiences, make mistakes – that you LEARN and SHARE and SHOW as a supportive example for others to equally LEARN FROM YOU as YOU LEARNED FROM YOUR MISTAKES. ‘Cause I initially defined ‘dependability’ within ‘my purpose / responsibility’ as “I have to be ABSOLUTELY PERFECT!”. This was a mistake…

With walking the process of redefining and living words, you in time come across such moments where you look back, look into yourself and look at your relationship with a word - realising there are ‘misalignments’. Such as my process and experience with the word ‘dependable’:

I, with full force, lived the word ‘dependable’ – along with my definition of it: being ‘absolutely perfect’ in the sense of NEVER making mistakes, NEVER falling / faltering / wavering inside myself – when it came to my personal process and experiences, especially in the beginning when I started my process in my early twenties.

Whenever I did make mistakes, fall, falter, waver inside myself or within a particular process: I would be ever so hard on myself, come down on myself really hard. I’d eventually work with and through the miss-takes, deal with them, get over them; but then push myself to strive for that perfection EVEN MORE. I realised with looking back that: my process wasn’t so much about learning from my mistakes and sharing it with others in a way of being a dependable example within the process of learning and changing (which is the main foundation / principle of self change: reflecting on mistakes, learning from them and then actually changing) – but I was more judging/being hard on myself, really tough on myself, then trying to fix / change the mistake as best and fast as possible and using that as ‘fuel’ to strive for perfection even more, to do everything and anything possible to NOT make mistakes.

My process became more about striving for perfection than assisting and supporting me and so equally others. Assisting and supporting me and others in a way of: when making a mistake, learning and changing in a way of supporting me to not make the same mistake again and placing in the needed measures, methods and self support as what I learned from the past mistake. All in all living the principle of prevention – learning from mistakes to not unnecessarily re-cycle in and as the same mistakes but source from them as much as possible for me to learn about myself, grow and expand. Then from here, from my process and experience of mistakes, sharing and showing others so that others can equally be assisted and supported with how to deal with / walk through / transcend and process through mistakes in a way where they actually learn, grow, expand and so change in a supportive way for themselves. The above, essentially explaining the redefinition of the word ‘dependable’ I came to live in time as “being a supportive example for me and so for others”.

Getting back to my ‘strive for perfection’: I have truly, because of this, lived the words “you are your own greatest judge” and “your mind is your own worst enemy” with having a look back at how hard I was on myself, the extent to which I judged and ‘punished’ myself through my own thoughts and emotions whenever I perceived and experienced myself to ‘not be absolutely perfect’. Interestingly enough though – within this strive for perfection WITHIN myself it lead to much consequence in my actual living, where: I would resist spending time with people, rather isolate myself in a quiet space within me and my surroundings to not have to expose myself to possibilities or potentials for making mistakes. Also in this outflow consequence – not living the real word ‘dependable’ from the perspective of being a dependable living leading example for others.

There is so much more to be opened up when it comes to what I lived and experienced within and as the word ‘Perfection’ and I will continue with this sharing in blogs to come. To take with you for today: I realised through revisiting my definition and living of the word ‘dependable’, once I walked through the process of not judging / being hard and tough on myself when making mistakes, instead learning from mistakes and practising what I learned into living action to in fact change from within what I have learned: I started sharing, showing more of myself, my process, my mistakes, my ups and downs in a way that assisted and supported so many others. Eventually – over time, solidifying the living of the word dependable as “being a supportive example” rather than ‘absolutely perfect’.

But, it was quite the journey to first and foremost live dependable for me, me showing my dependability to myself in being able to stop judging / being so hard on myself and to take that step into actually learning from mistakes and correcting / changing from what I learned.

This journey I will continue with in the next post…

Becoming Dependable: The Beginning

Becoming Dependable: The Beginning

“What would it mean to enable myself, the living pen as the process of living the word dependable?” “What would it practically mean for me, my relationship with who I am in thought, word and deed to live the word ‘dependable’ and what role does purpose play within this all?”

In this post, I am continuing with the above questions as well as expanding on the following:

To those who love writing / drawing / painting: the best moment is when you have that blank page before you and you have the DECISION to EXPRESS the UTMOST of yourself from the moment you start writing / drawing / painting. This is exactly the same for the MOMENTS we have in everyday life when we have a DECISION before us the moment we recognise the fact that our thoughts and inner experiences are not reflecting our potential: to make the decision to CHANGE, to LIVE in thought word and deed the WORD you’re going to WRITE / LIVE in THAT MOMENT.

Here is my beginning with living the word ‘dependable’ in my first and foremost relationship: my relationship with ME – who I am in thought, word and deed. Together with incorporating the word purpose: how I placed my SELF (through what I have as my ability to look, speak, act and within that DECIDE) – to PURPOSE. I essentially merged the words ‘dependable’ and ‘purpose’ within myself in a way where, living the word ‘dependable’ supported the word ‘purpose’ as much as the word ‘purpose’ supported the word ‘dependable’.

This is what is so exciting and liberating when it comes to the process of redefining and living words: How you change and so CREATE yourself through redefining and living individual words, but also reach a phase where you start having a look at uniting / connecting words; such as the words dependable and purpose in a way that supports you in your relationship with yourself, your mind, your relationships and everyday life experiences!

An example: Redefining the word ‘dependable’ for me was to look into both words, ‘dependable’ and ‘purpose’. With having a look at these two words in the beginning of my process when I started Portalling and my responsibility when it came to Portalling: my definition of ‘purpose’ was my relationship to bringing through the beings, to Portal, to share as much knowledge and information that could be placed into living practise / application to show people the process through the Mind into their Utmost Potential as living Self Awareness. Dependability then within that was my personal process WITHIN myself – being the living / leading example, by being more aware of who I am in thought, word and deed – placing a GUARD infront of my MIND, my MOUTH and my LIVING ACTIONS. A GUARD as ME as the MOMENT I GIFT to myself through self forGIFTness to take a BREATH, take a STEP BACK and assess in MOMENTS “who I am” and whether what is moving / manifesting within me is what I want to speak / live or whether I am going to DIRECT and MOVE myself into and as a different expression.

So, here you can see how my ‘self dependability’ as depending on me to be a living / leading example of the purpose I walk and committed to within and as Portalling and the knowledge and information as process the beings are sharing through me – how these two words compliment and support one another in my life, my self and my responsibility towards me and Portalling.

However…I have through time, within the definitions and living of the words ‘purpose’ and ‘dependable’ found that there were some ‘misalignments’ in my initial self definition of the word ‘dependable’. I was satisfied with how I lived the word ‘purpose’ when it came to my responsibility and commitment (as well as MUCH ENJOYMENT!!!) to Portalling. However…I realised I still personally in this world and the hereafter walked my personal processes and experiences through my own mind, being and body relationship - in such a way where I didn’t always ‘feel’ or ‘see’ myself as ‘dependable’ in my personal process and so as an example for so many others. Until I realised: there was a part of me that defined the word ‘dependable’ in “being dependable FOR EVERYONE, FOR THE PORTAL, FOR PROCESS” and so, whenever I made a mistake, or went through a process – I would be VERY hard on myself…and unnecessarily so.

Here again, leading me to asking myself: With having the PURPOSE I do have. The responsibility I have within and as this purpose that is me, that is my life…how can I start redefining and living the word ‘dependable’ for ME first and foremost and from here SHARE and EXPRESS and be a living example of this word for so many others who can, in turn, empower themselves by redefining and living this word?

For so many others, when you have so much responsibility, such a massive purpose – does dependability mean “you have to be perfect all the time?” Does dependability mean “perfection” OR…does it mean “being a SUPPORTIVE EXAMPLE?” What is the difference between “perfection” and “being a supportive example?” To me, being a supportive example is: when and as you go through processes and experiences, make mistakes – that you LEARN and SHARE and SHOW as a supportive example for others to equally LEARN FROM YOU as YOU LEARNED FROM YOUR MISTAKES. ‘Cause I initially defined ‘dependability’ within ‘my purpose / responsibility’ as “I have to be ABSOLUTELY PERFECT!”. This was a mistake…

I will continue more in the next post

Dependable: Enabling my self, my purpose

Dependable: Enabling my self, my purpose

“What would it mean to enable myself, the living pen as the process of living the word dependable?” “What would it practically mean for me, my relationship with who I am in thought, word and deed to live the word ‘dependable’ and what role does purpose play within this all?”

I have looked at my relationship to thinking, speaking and acting. These three foundations serve as a ‘platform’ within and as which I stand, gifting me with the ability to respond to myself, others and my environment. However, what I have not done (in the beginning, before my process started) is analyse, asses or question ‘who I am’ when it comes to thought, word and deed and my response-ability within moments when I am exposed to my own thoughts, own words and own deeds. Whereby, I was a ‘living pen’ - not writing, through living - me, my relationships and my life with awareness. I was not CREATING. I have been a ‘living pen’ with purpose always existent within and as me if only I ENABLED my awareness and my relationship within who I am in thought, word and deed. It’s like, I was just ‘waiting’ to utilise everything I have within me, available within me to bring myself to purpose, to create the utmost potential of who and how I can be and live through my thoughts, words and deeds.

Making this realisation / understanding more practical / tangible: Throughout my process, I transformed my relationship to thoughts in a way of not blindly following them anymore, but first taking a breath and a step back and asking if the nature of my thoughts / experiences emerging within me is the awareness, self and potential I want to live / be / embody in any given moment? From where I would then decide to live a WORD with awareness and embody that word into a living expression of me, that will so transform my words and behaviour and in so doing, transform my relationship with others and my general life experience.

I found that my thoughts / inner experiences defined my words and behaviour and so created my relationships, defined my decisions and choices and filtered out into the experience of my life. Once I started redefining my relationship to who I am in thoughts, words and deeds, I started my process of setting me to PURPOSE, ENABLING thus myself in being able to CREATE ME through changing my relationship with thoughts, words and deeds with awareness.

So, exactly as you would take a pen and start writing / drawing – your hand the directive principle, your self writing / drawing with AWARENESS: you bring your SELF into creation. Same with our thoughts, words and deeds: we, with our SELF AWARENESS need to utilise our thoughts, words and deeds by DIRECTING ourselves within and as them into a CREATION, a STORY worth living.

To those who love writing / drawing / painting: the best moment is when you have that blank page before you and you have the DECISION to EXPRESS the UTMOST of yourself from the moment you start writing / drawing / painting.

This is exactly the same for the MOMENTS we have in everyday life when we have a DECISION before us the moment we recognise the fact that our thoughts and inner experiences are not reflecting our potential: to make the decision to CHANGE, to LIVE in thought word and deed the WORD you’re going to WRITE / LIVE in THAT MOMENT.

I will continue in the next post with more practical examples…

Dependable

Dependable

I played with the sounding of the word Dependable and the following opened up: De(The) – Pen – Able. Playing with the sounding of words is a way of redefining your relationship to the word and so the relationship with yourself. It’s a method used to see what you can learn from a word, through a word and so learn about yourself.

The words ‘The Pen Able’ stood out for me. From there, it opened up into ‘Enabling the Pen’. Once you enable a pen, a working pen – it is and becomes an dependable source used to assist and support you to write, to create, to express, to share, to communicate. We enable the pen, its ‘purpose’ by taking it in our hands and starting writing / drawing. We oftentimes think / believe a pen has no purpose until we use it. However, the pen’s very EXISTENCE is its purpose in the sense of BEING ABLE to write / draw. We SHARE and EXPERIENCE the pen’s purpose the moment we write with it / draw with it – the moment we make the pen A PART of OUR MOMENT, our world, our expression, our creativity.

From here I looked at the relationship between dependability and purpose. Looking at the question “who I am when it comes to the word dependable and living / making this word a part of me and my everyday life?” Interestingly enough, what first came up within me was everyone else in my life - wanting to be dependable for others. However, I realised this does not answer the above question. I must look at what being dependable means for ME first and foremost. How can I learn to understand what this word means for me in who I am when it comes to my relationship with me. Because, if I cannot live this word in my relationship with me – then living ‘dependable’ FOR OTHERS is going to be existent within the dimension of separation.

Looking at myself, I realised through my thoughts, words and deeds in moments in everyday life – I am a Pen. I write / draw as to create / express / communicate / behave etc. who I am as well as the story / painting of my life from one day to the next and into the future. Here, I drew an analogy between myself as a living being and the pen – both writing / drawing, bringing something new into creation / manifestation. From here, drawing the lines through when it comes to dependability and purpose – asking myself the questions: “What would it mean to enable myself, the living pen as the process of living the word dependable?” Then, “what would it practically mean for me, my relationship with who I am in thought, word and deed to live the word ‘dependable’ and what role does purpose play within this all?”

I will continue in the next post…