The Dark Truth lurking within my Desire for
Perfection
With walking a process redefining the word dependable
and so redefining who I am in thought, word and deed in relationship to it –
and this process changing me, my life and living experience: I was also
challenged with the word PERFECTION.
As I mentioned before - this is one of the dimensions
in the process of redefining and living words I thoroughly enjoy, but at the
same time experience to be quite challenging: as you walk a process of
redefining and living ONE WORD, MORE WORDS and so parts of yourself become
exposed requiring some well needed redefinition.
I started my initial redefining and living process of
the word(s) self-dependable on who I am when making mistakes: to instead of
judging, criticizing and beating myself down with my own thoughts and emotions,
assist and support myself to ‘humbly and gracefully embrace the fall, the
mistake’, stand up within it and learn from it in a way that will not only
support me, my life – but others as well. That my learning process through and
from mistakes can guide others in their lives in a way where they can apply the
principle of prevention and learn from me, my mistakes so as to not make the
same unnecessary mistakes in their lifetimes. In so doing, many individuals can
then rather focus on immediate growth, learning and expansion. We oftentimes
think we need to ‘learn from our own mistakes, make all the same mistakes’ –
when you can learn just as well by walking in the shoes of another’s story,
their mistakes, what they learned from it and take the insights, realisations
and perspectives into yourself and your own life.
Within this journey of redefining self-dependable
when it came to my experiences and moments of making mistakes – I noticed this
element of the ‘desire for perfection’ coming through strongly, contributing
much to what caused my initial self-criticism, self-judgment and beating myself
up with my own thoughts and emotions.
I didn’t realise the extent to which this ‘desire for
perfection’ was existent within the depths of my mind and affecting the very
nature and experience of my thoughts, words and deeds until I slowly but surely
started the process of ‘peeling through the layers’ of my mind, my
consciousness when it came to how I programmed myself within and as the word ‘perfection’.
It was so extensive, that – whenever it came to relationships, any type / form
of relationship like my relationship with myself, my family, friends, potential
partners, acquaintances, work colleagues: in any given moment I’d walk into a
moment with them wanting the moment, experience and relationship with them to
be PERFECT in all ways. I was always ADFRAID of doing something wrong, saying
something wrong, not doing / saying something in the ‘right way’, not PLEASING
enough, not being good enough, not striving for enough within the given
relationship, not looking good / perfect enough…and the list goes on.
This is something about this process that’s been
intriguing and eye-opening in many ways: as you explore the depths of your
mind, your consciousness and into the programming of yourself within words –
such as the word PERFECTION – you come to understand yourself, who and how you
are in thought, word and deed SO MUCH BETTER in a way where you can really,
genuinely change. For me, I initially believed that I was just someone who was
very judgmental, hard on myself. I initially believed I was someone who was
always afraid of making mistakes, doing the wrong things, not being good enough
in my own and other’s eyes and so living in a constant polarity of ‘desire for
perfection’ and ‘fear of not attaining and living up to that perfection’. I
believed and lived all of this, until I started exploring my own programming
within and as word PERFECTION - where I came to see, realise and understand
that: the SOURCE of my criticism, judgment and being hard on myself, the SOURCE
of my FEARS when it came to my relationship with myself and others: all
originated from my misaligned definition and so living of the word PERFECTION.
In the next post I will continue sharing the very
long journey I walked with correcting my relationship with perfection that I
started walking simultaneously with redefining the word(s) self-dependable in
the context of making mistakes. Together with this, how exactly I realised the
severity of this perfection relationship I created with myself and others in my
MIND, what a shock it was to me to see the extent to which I lived in almost
CONSTANT FEAR AND ANXIETY because of it. From here, how my relationship and
living of myself in thought, word and deed changed with redefining the word
perfection and so redefining myself – setting myself free from constant fear
and anxiety by ending the POLARITY between FEAR and DESIRE of PERFECTION.
