The Dark Truth lurking within my Desire for Perfection

The Dark Truth lurking within my Desire for Perfection

With walking a process redefining the word dependable and so redefining who I am in thought, word and deed in relationship to it – and this process changing me, my life and living experience: I was also challenged with the word PERFECTION.

As I mentioned before - this is one of the dimensions in the process of redefining and living words I thoroughly enjoy, but at the same time experience to be quite challenging: as you walk a process of redefining and living ONE WORD, MORE WORDS and so parts of yourself become exposed requiring some well needed redefinition.

I started my initial redefining and living process of the word(s) self-dependable on who I am when making mistakes: to instead of judging, criticizing and beating myself down with my own thoughts and emotions, assist and support myself to ‘humbly and gracefully embrace the fall, the mistake’, stand up within it and learn from it in a way that will not only support me, my life – but others as well. That my learning process through and from mistakes can guide others in their lives in a way where they can apply the principle of prevention and learn from me, my mistakes so as to not make the same unnecessary mistakes in their lifetimes. In so doing, many individuals can then rather focus on immediate growth, learning and expansion. We oftentimes think we need to ‘learn from our own mistakes, make all the same mistakes’ – when you can learn just as well by walking in the shoes of another’s story, their mistakes, what they learned from it and take the insights, realisations and perspectives into yourself and your own life.

Within this journey of redefining self-dependable when it came to my experiences and moments of making mistakes – I noticed this element of the ‘desire for perfection’ coming through strongly, contributing much to what caused my initial self-criticism, self-judgment and beating myself up with my own thoughts and emotions.

I didn’t realise the extent to which this ‘desire for perfection’ was existent within the depths of my mind and affecting the very nature and experience of my thoughts, words and deeds until I slowly but surely started the process of ‘peeling through the layers’ of my mind, my consciousness when it came to how I programmed myself within and as the word ‘perfection’. It was so extensive, that – whenever it came to relationships, any type / form of relationship like my relationship with myself, my family, friends, potential partners, acquaintances, work colleagues: in any given moment I’d walk into a moment with them wanting the moment, experience and relationship with them to be PERFECT in all ways. I was always ADFRAID of doing something wrong, saying something wrong, not doing / saying something in the ‘right way’, not PLEASING enough, not being good enough, not striving for enough within the given relationship, not looking good / perfect enough…and the list goes on.

This is something about this process that’s been intriguing and eye-opening in many ways: as you explore the depths of your mind, your consciousness and into the programming of yourself within words – such as the word PERFECTION – you come to understand yourself, who and how you are in thought, word and deed SO MUCH BETTER in a way where you can really, genuinely change. For me, I initially believed that I was just someone who was very judgmental, hard on myself. I initially believed I was someone who was always afraid of making mistakes, doing the wrong things, not being good enough in my own and other’s eyes and so living in a constant polarity of ‘desire for perfection’ and ‘fear of not attaining and living up to that perfection’. I believed and lived all of this, until I started exploring my own programming within and as word PERFECTION - where I came to see, realise and understand that: the SOURCE of my criticism, judgment and being hard on myself, the SOURCE of my FEARS when it came to my relationship with myself and others: all originated from my misaligned definition and so living of the word PERFECTION.

In the next post I will continue sharing the very long journey I walked with correcting my relationship with perfection that I started walking simultaneously with redefining the word(s) self-dependable in the context of making mistakes. Together with this, how exactly I realised the severity of this perfection relationship I created with myself and others in my MIND, what a shock it was to me to see the extent to which I lived in almost CONSTANT FEAR AND ANXIETY because of it. From here, how my relationship and living of myself in thought, word and deed changed with redefining the word perfection and so redefining myself – setting myself free from constant fear and anxiety by ending the POLARITY between FEAR and DESIRE of PERFECTION.