Dependable: From a Perfect Beginner to a Perfect Faller…
I will continue more
with this in the next post to come – also expanding on the consequential role
that perfection played within it all, even though I have redefined and lived
the word dependable. This is also something that you will find in the process of
redefining and living words: you may sometimes find yourself in other
situations, environments and people that throws the living of your words ‘off
course for a moment and other old patterns can creep back in’. Meaning, I may
in ONE environment with SPECIFIC people walked the process of redefining and
living the word dependable, but when I was faced with something different – it
challenged my redefinition / living of the words in a way where I needed to
EXPAND on it. So, redefining and living words is a constant, continuous process
of self expansion through LIVING!
In my working environment in my early twenties, I learned
BALANCE through considering me, my relationship with others, my time and my
responsibilities / obligations – accordingly prioritising myself, everything
and everyone in a functional, practical way; leading to becoming the living
words dependable, hardworking, reliable as well as doing the best for me and
everyone else. This including my general life process when it came to making
mistakes, being able to learn from them and change myself through them –
sharing this process and being a supportive living example for others.
However…lol, what happened within my mind was imbuing my process
of learning from mistakes and changing myself from and through them as well as
being dependable within the working environment and people in it, with none
other than PERFECTION. In other words, as I walked through one layer of
perfection when it came to ‘never wanting to make mistakes in the first place’
- it morphed / opened up into ALWAYS learning from my mistakes IMMEDIATELY, as
fast as possible as best as possible and if I didn’t…but still made similar /
same mistakes or the change process taking longer than I wanted it to or
expected from myself: back creeped in the nature of ‘perfection’, just in
another, different way. Or if, in the working environment, I didn’t BALANCE
myself, my relationship with others, time and obligations / responsibilities
properly – in came the ‘perfection’ dimension in relation to not balancing ‘perfectly’
/ ‘good enough’ through my own eyes.
So, it’s been interesting to observe the CHALLENGES I have
faced within myself in this process that opened up through the word DEPENDABLE
and how my process, relationship and living with the word perfection seriously
made my experience and change within the word dependable so the more difficult.
This then lead me to start walking my process within and
through the word PERFECTION and investigating how this DOMINANT word within and
as me has been influencing my process in many different ways. Especially also
in another dimension where I recognised this word was coming through which was
when it came to creating the IDEA that ‘I am officially self dependable in my
trust to walk through and learn from ALL mistakes’…until ‘life happens’ and
brings you circumstances, situations and moments with yourself and other people
that truly brings such IDEAS in the MIND back to REALITY. Throughout my
experiences, I eventually realised I made my definition of dependable DEPENDENT
again on ‘making it through mistakes and being a supportive example from me for
others’, essentially here LIMITING my definition of dependable, because I did
not allow myself to be FLEXIBLE within who I am as dependable when it comes to
my own self honesty and self trust.
So, when my life changed from my working environment and so
the nature of my exposure to life and I started making ‘new types of mistakes’
within myself and my life, mistakes I was never exposed to before: I FELL. I
went back into isolation, suppression, judgment, being hard on myself – I PERFECTLY
FELL lol and this time into the OPPOSITE POLARITY where I didn’t balance
myself, my relationships my time and obligations / responsibilities at all but
kept my participation in myself and life to the bare minimum. I eventually
managed to stand up from this process – but challenging it was indeed.
So, to take with you for today in your process of walking
defining, redefining and living words is: Never to make an ABSOLUTE definition
/ process of a word, such as the mistake I made where I made my definition of
DEPENDABLE absolute when it came to mistakes and who I am within and as
mistakes. Eventually I learned the following and expanded my self definition of
dependable in a way where: I know that, whatever the mistake, no matter how
tough, I will possibly even make mistakes WITHIN a mistake lol – but one thing
I have proven to myself, dropping all the judgments, being hard on myself etc.
is that: I well get through it, stand up from it.
So, my dependable-trust relationship then transformed into
and as the HEART of me which is: I AM HERE, I trust me that with my self honesty
as I walk through and process myself within and as a mistake that I will get
through it, learn from, stand up and change – no matter how long it takes, I AM
HERE and I am walking. This is the final statement I have proven to myself
since then - and the definition that has supported me throughout all this time
up until now, I could expand this also into any and every challenges I face within
myself, my life.
In the next post I will share more tangible, practical
examples expanding on making a definition of a word too ABSOLUTE and not
allowing yourself to be FLEXIBLE within redefining and living words. Also, what
can happen when you try and be TOO PERFECT within living a redefined word and
how you can create positive and negative polarities within yourself,
relationships and life in general – which can contribute to the experience of ‘falling,
standing up, falling’ – instead of more looking at such a process as a process
of learning, reflecting and changing.
